Ugh

So--there are no words to describe how frustrating it is to be helpless. Until you're in that situation, you can't realize how it feels...you want some cheese? Too bad. You can't drive or even get yourself out of the bed. Everything you do is an inconvenience to someone else. You want to search the internet, but your computer is 5 feet away and you can't get it. So you call someone to come out and get it and hand it to you. Then, in an hour, you need some water. Or a snack. Or a pen and paper. Caring for you becomes a full-time job for someone.

Then you feel guilty for the trouble you've caused everyone and the inconvenience that you are...just by being you. Seemingly every breath you take causes trouble for others. So what do you do? Do you stop existing? Just spend every day lying on a bed trying not to cause any trouble for anyone? Or continue trying to fill your days doing something useful and productive because, while your body is deteriorating, your mind is fine. And being an active person by nature, the sitting all day every day is getting annoying.

I've had patience. At least, I've tried my best to just roll with the punches and be easy-going...but 10 months is a long time, and I just don't know how much longer I can be okay. I really don't.