You'd think, after all I've gone through in past months, that humility (the antidote for pride according to Pres. Benson) would come easily. I mean, my life has been changed. I've lost lots of my ability to participate in the activities I hold most dear. I've had my independence stripped away from me, piece by piece. And yet, there are days, hours, moments, when I Miss the Mark. I lose sight of my ultimate goal and I fall into selfish thoughts. I fail the Pride Test.
It might begin by dwelling on a dream or a goal that I had that no longer seems possible due to my situation. That might lead to feeling sorry for myself because of the ex-dream. Which might lead to a few minutes of crying followed by a heavy dose of "why?" thoughts: why this, why me, why now, etc. This usually leads to a question for the Lord, which might leave me with less-than-cordial-feelings for the tests of life...I end up feeling miserable. I might even end up feeling jealous of those getting to live out my dreams: friends who are married or have their own house and get to work their own garden or get to travel the world or, right now, can just get into their car and drive should the desire arise...etc.
President Benson put it well when he said that the proud wish God would agree with them...they aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's. I certainly know that I don't set out to live life with this attitude--it's just so easy to fall into. Isn't that shameful? That pride has worn a rut so deeply on the side of my path that I'm more comfortable walking in it than climbing and staying out of it?
It's extremely difficult, when you're out in the ocean without a raft, tossed by the huge waves and fighting to get each life-saving breath of air, to remember that there is a bigger picture and our Heavenly Father see it. So, even though I may feel like my life is ending or I am being denied things that I have been previously promised, I try to come up for air. And sometimes, while my head is above water, I try to remember that even though this was so, so far from my plan for my life, maybe there is a purpose in it and I need to humble myself, again, and try to submit to the Lord's will for me. Without challenging it.
On a different note, I will not apologize for the pride I feel in my baby sister. This weekend she has torn up the stage as she dominated the role of Maria in The Sound of Music. Months of rehearsal has paid off and she is incredible. Oh, and did I mention that she was offered The Wallace Sound? This is a full-ride scholarship to her college awarded based on her vocal abilities. She's just so good. :D I absolutely love her and couldn't be more proud of her.