Friday, August 28, 2009

Glenn Beck

"This is a dangerous time for freedom and liberty in this country." ~Rush Limbaugh

Who is this government that we are letting walk all over our Constitution--just plow through it as though it wasn't even there? It's time to take a stand, America.

The time to hide and watch is over. It's time to stand up and speak out for our freedom. In the words of Captain Moroni "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children..."* We need to fight.

Stand with me against oppression. Listen to what Glenn Beck has to say on Fox News at 5pm EST today and find out what WE can DO to maintain the liberties fought for and preserved by our Nation's Founding Fathers.

We can make a difference--if we will.

*Alma 46:12

Thursday, August 27, 2009

What's up.

Well, I haven't been very forthcoming in passing out information about my life over the last 6 weeks--I didn't really want anyone to worry...

You don't ever really expect to get sick--at least not a sickness that rest, time, and doctors can't fix. But I'm quickly learning that life throws curve balls sometimes. And from a christian standpoint, Satan seems to attack your emotional health at the exact moments you're down physically. That's all I'll say about that.

So, here I am, 6 miserable weeks into some mysterious illness that no one can explain. I'm suffering from dry mouth, inability to swallow food, inability to digest food, uncontrollable bowels and bladder, extreme fatigue with muscle weakness, and inability to control my muscles as I should be able to.

The worse symptom, I think, is the eyes. I can't see--and haven't been able to for about 5 weeks now. One day I noticed that they weren't focusing as they should be--then before I knew it, my pupils were permanently dilated. I've since learned that whatever else may be the cause, the result, as least for my eyes is Adie's Syndrome. Ick.

I can't walk well--my muscle coordination is off. I don't have the energy to walk hardly more that 30 steps at any one time and I can barely get up the 3 steps into my house.

Essentially--in 6 weeks, I have been transformed from a healthy running-with-my-dog, jumping-my-horse, sailing-with-my-boyfriend, 25 year old into an 85 year old with the vision of a 70 year old. I mean, really, my 86 year old grandmother has more stamina these days than I do. Shameful. I wear contacts for distance and reading glasses for up close and still can't see well in the middle.

In the past 6 weeks, I have been to 11 doctors ranging from general practicioners to super-specialists; these 11 have conferred with at least 7 others. They have taken 30 vials of blood in the past 10 days; during my 5 day hospital stay, I had these tests run: MRI, MRA, MRV of brain; x-rays of chest and abdomen; modified barium swallow; EMG nerve conductivity study; ultrasound of my heart; spinal tap (YUCK to the required 24 hours lay flat period following that one) and PFTs (pulmonary function tests). I was treated by neurology, radiology, cardiology, respiratory therapy, speech therapy, and physical therapy.

And nobody knows anything. Tests are normal. We have a long, extensive list of what it's NOT including: HIV positive, syphilis, MS, Guillian-Barre, Eppstein-Barr.

I need Dr. House.

I am currently undergoing a 5 day super-intense treatment with Solumedrol via IV. That, in itself, is bad enough. They tell me there is a 50/50 chance that this will help a little. Maybe give me a little energy until more tests come back. Conclusion: Steroids are Bad.

In an attempt not to weigh down this blog anymore, I'll be writing more in depth about this at my other blog: *

*we don't know if it's miller-fisher syndrome, but the symptoms seem to fit better than anything else I've researched thus far...

Guess so, then.

Well--you've been avoiding me. And that made it really easy to imagine that things are fine--just fine and dandy. I've had my head wrapped around so many other things recently that I just let it go and in the "never never land" existence that is my psyche, things were great. I kept inviting you over just expecting you to hold my hand and help me--without any drama. Just be there. Let the troubles of tomorrow take care of themselves. Yea, right.

So you finally came today. And we talked. And I guess it really is over. Huh. How shall I stand thinking about what I lost in you? How shall I survive watching you date other people? It's not like I have anywhere to run...

I can promise to TRY to be friends. But I can't promise that I'll be nice all the time--especially when I see you doing things with her that we should be doing: like playing at the beach and scuba diving and visiting Utah and going to the peanut festival...argh.

I was content being single--I had accepted my lot in life. Then you came along and ruined that for what do I do?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

okay then

i didn't text or call you last night--and I felt stronger today. Then you told me that you don't accept that I broke up with you...and you introduced yourself as my boyfried several times. i didn't stop you. i still love you. telling you once that i don't think we'll work out almost killed me. how in the world can i have to tell you over and over 'cause you choose not to accept it? i still love you. and i think it's romantic that you won't give up. i guess things could go back to how they were...with the understanding that we can't ever marry each other. is that enough for us?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

an attempt at some comic relief

Thanks, mom. I love you, too.

read some blogs. reminders of things I'll never do with you. crying harder. maybe Kwanza's right. but I don't think so. stupid stupid self.


Today--I saw you. And you even smiled a little. Then you were hurt. and angry. and a little mean. I was mean, too. human nature = fight fire with fire. I'm sorry. I still can't breathe. Being home is too hard. going out is harder. considering moving. temporary transfer. utah hopefully. distance would be good. not practical. need jules.

people keep asking if I'm okay--and what can I say, "no, I'm dying." so of course I say yes. But that's a lie. blindness is worse. don't know why. still don't blame you. wish you happiness. may not be able having to see it though. sleep is good. wish you well in tournament tonight.

Monday, August 3, 2009


You don't read by blog--and today I'm grateful for that.

I can't breathe. I can't even think. And I feel incredibly panicked every time I think of you. I have picked up my phone at least a hundred times today and I've even considered running to the store to make sure you're okay. I don't want you to hurt--that's not fair. One minute I wish you'd answer my text and then I fear you will. So I just sit. and cry. and hope I'll feel okay some day. I miss you.