Rugged Maniac

I can't believe that it's been three years since I have posted anything. I suppose, for a long time, I didn't have anything to say, then I allowed my mind to become to overwhelmed with clutter that I haven't taken the time to organize.

I bought my first official pair of running shoes and socks today. I'm sure the special socks weren't necessary, but I'm a sucker and THESE won't slip when you're running. ;)  The shoes feel like I'm walking on clouds.

Most of you probably wonder why this is important--it's just a pair of shoes, right? It's not like I don't own 95 other pairs or anything...


Here's why it's big:


I have spent the last 6 years battling LEMS--an autoimmune disorder that attacks the neuro-muscular system. It has been an incredibly long, hard road. Not to dwell on the negative, but I remember about 2 years in, sitting in my chair, unable to move. I was watching TV and somebody was running--a Nike commercial, perhaps, and I remember feeling a pang of jealousy.

Anyone who really know me knows that if I'm running, you'd better be, too, because something is coming to get us. So, it was surreal to be jealous of someone doing something I hated. I think what bothered me was that so many people in the world take their physical health for granted...I know; I used to be one of them.

Anyway, as I sat there, I started praying--not the "I'm prostrate on the ground wailing at God to reinstate my health" kind of prayer (even if I could have moved to get on the floor); just the contemplative, pondering kind. As we were conversing, I remember telling Him that if He would allow me to be able to walk again someday, I would train for a half marathon and complete one in this lifetime... (even in my fantasies, I knew a whole marathon was out of the question.)  :)

I still hate running, and am not sure if I can even do it. I mean, two years ago, I couldn't even walk. I haven't run a single step in 6 years. But I'm gonna try. The thought of pounding pavement for 3 miles is exhausting to even think about, but this event looks awesome. So, I'm going to prepare myself for the Rugged Manic.  www.ruggedmaniac.com.  When my cousin posted about it on FB, I just knew this was for me to try.

So, I am currently registered for Atlanta, on Aug 22, with two of my friends (sorry in advance, Whitney and Jeff for slowing y'all down), and I invite anyone who wants to join me. The goal isn't to win, it's to finish together and have a great time.

Wishing myself good luck; until next time.

Jess

This week...

I had a pretty crazy week, and I recorded it here. So, if you wanna catch up, feel free.

Love, Jess

Weekend 2 at Mayo

We spent this Saturday up in Minneapolis visiting the Mall of America. We thought we would visit the aquarium and then see where the day went. Well, the aquarium was slightly disappointing...I guess, after the Georgia Aquarium, our expectations were a bit high. 


 
And guess who else was at the Mall of America this weekend? The Girl Scouts--that's who. They were having their 100th anniversary celebration up there, so there were little girls EVERYWHERE. The whole mall was overrun with them.

Legoland was kind of cool (Kristi--I thought of Asher when I saw it) and the roller coasters were fun to watch. The elevators were extremely slow and it took us most of the day to just amble around and see things. It was nice to go and say we've been there...It probably won't ever be a scheduled vacation spot for me in the future.

On the way back to Rochester, we stopped at the temple in St. Paul and took a couple of pictures.


Then we spent Sunday recovering from our big day. :)

Weekend 1 at Mayo

I was so grateful to get a chance to drive down to Madison, WI this weekend to visit some good friends, the Spackmans. :) 

Hugh and Kristi went to BYU when I did and now they're living up here. They have a beautiful family: 2  small boys and a daughter on the way. 

We didn't do much--just visited and hung out, but I enjoyed it. 

It was a nice visit. 

Youth

Wow. Young Women are so dynamic! One day they're smiling and happy, then the next, they're shooting you daggers with their eyes. Then the next time you see them, they're smiling again. Ha! I guess I had forgotten what it's like to be a teenager.

It's with a bit of trepidation that I am endeavoring to open up to the girls a little. I'm going to take pictures of my life and let them get to know me a little, ending with a lesson on faith blended with the story of my illness. This is something very personal to me...y'all should know, since only my friends read my blog and I haven't even gone into an in-depth explanation here.

I have been slightly anxious about this for several weeks now, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to do it. I hope that the girls will see what a big step of faith this is for me--just to open up to them about something so personal. The scripture comes to mind about casting pearls before swine...and my girls are definitely NOT swine, but as teenagers, they don't always understand tender topics. I just hope I can convey how sacred some of these things that I plan to share with them are to me...and I hope that at least one of them will be touched--will somehow have their faith strengthened.

They strengthen my faith a little every time I talk with one of them--compared to what I remember about being a youth, they are so sweet (most of the time) and I yearn to strongly for them to make good decisions and have incredible lives. Now...to figure out how to get the message across in a way that they'll understand and maybe relate to...

Trees

I spent an hour or so visiting with a good friend today--we don't have any easily accessible mountains down here, but there is a beautiful lake surrounded by amazing trees where I sometimes go to think and ponder. Jana and I just talked about life for a while and it was good to regain some perspective. I am grateful for beauty in nature and for good friends.

"Good Timber" by Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight

For sun and sky and air and light

But stood out in the open plain

And always had it's share of rain, 

Never became a forest king

But lived and died a scrubby thing. 

The man who never had to fight,

who never had to win his share of sun

and sky and air and light, 

Never became a manly man

But lived and died as he began. 

Good timber does not grow with ease, 

The stronger the wind, 

The tougher the trees. 

Musings

For a long time, I've felt uninspired to actively participate in the world of blogging...I'm not sure where this endeavor will lead--possibly nowhere. Possibly somewhere. 


I received a new calling this past weekend--I was asked to serve as the Ozark 1st Ward Young Women's President. I was really excited and anxious for the first few days, then I passed through a period of not-so-mild-trepidation, but after the rest of the presidency was called and sustained yesterday, I am back to being very excited. 


I do admit, however, to being aware of and wary of the responsibility I feel--we have 21 girls on our rolls. Mostly, though, I'm excited. :) I have a whole powerhouse of women serving with me and once we get going, I think things will come together nicely.


Back in November at stake conference, I was being released from serving in the stake, and I remember turning to Brother Hanni (he was a member of our bishopric) who was sitting across the aisle and talking about feeling a little lost and needing to find a new direction. Now, here we are just 2 short months later and Brother Hanni is bishop, I'm the ward YW president...we have a new RS presidency and a new EQ presidency. Wow. But it's good. I feel really good about all the changes--and that includes the new stake YW presidency. It was tough at the time to let go of serving there, but now, this feel right and i know that Sister Cain is amazing. Amazing. And she has great counselors...I just have a good feeling about all of this. It's marvelous how the Lord orchestrates our lives so we end up being where He wants us whether we realize it's happening or not. 

Sorry about the rambling--just kind of tumbled out. The reason for explaining this was to say that I think I'm going to resurrect my other blog, akingsalaysay.blogspot.com. I stopped writing there some time ago, because it's mainly a place to write about my health and I didn't want others to feel like I was always complaining or looking for sympathy.


However, things are different now. I live in a military ward with a huge turnover in families each year and so most everyone that is in the ward now wasn't here when my health took a rough turn. They don't know that I had a marvelous time hiking all over the Philippines and I love rock climbing and scuba diving and water-skiing and horseback riding...  they just see the sick girl who has to use a cane because she struggles to walk even a few feet and looks awful all the time. A lot of the time, I just want to scream "I wasn't always like this...I used to be normal, too." But I don't. I just smile. 


Since I can't succinctly explain my situation in a short get-to-know-you-conversation in the hallway at church, even when people ask me about my health; all I really say is that nobody knows what's wrong with me. So my point is that I think the best I can do is record some of my daily struggles with my health on my blog and allow anyone that wants to read it some insight. I'm sure there are still those that think if I would just exhibit a little mental strength, I could get back to normal. To those people, I just offer an "if you say so" smile and go on because anyone who's been around for the long haul knows this is infinitely more complicated than that. 


Anyway, I'm excited to serve in the Young Women organization, especially with our theme this year of Arise and Shine Forth (D&C 115:5). And, in an effort to stem some curiosity, will be writing a little more regularly on my other blog. 


Remember Pres. Hinckley said "You can be smart and happy, or stupid and miserable...it's your choice." :)

Take Two

Well, here we go again.

I'm back in Atlanta scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning. I hope that the doctor will not change his mind again.

It's at 9am....

Keep Your Fork

“Keep Your Fork” Inspirational Story

A woman was diagnosed with a terminal illness and given three months to live. She asked her Pastor to come to her home to discuss her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at her funeral, and what scriptures she wanted read, and which outfit she wanted to be buried in. Then she said, “One more thing… I want to be buried with a fork in my hand.” The pastor was surprised.

The woman explained, “In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably say to everyone, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite time of the dinner, because I knew something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep dish apple pie – something wonderful. So, I want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and wonder, “What’s with the fork?” Then, I want you to tell them, “Keep your fork, because the best is yet to come.”

Attributed to: Roger William Thomas (1996 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul)

Plasmapheresis Rocks!

Dr. Johnston had a good idea. :) The plasmapheresis (which turned out to be a big deal and a lot of trouble) has helped me. I'm nowhere close to normal, but I am functioning about as well as I did on 60mg of Prednisone daily. For those of you who aren't aware...it was 9 months ago that I took that much. SO, what I'm saying is that I'm doing better now than I have since October. YAY!

I've moved back into my own place and given my poor parents a much-deserved reprieve from my presence in their house. I love it! I'd forgotten how much I enjoy living in my home.

I just got back from Girls' Camp, which was incredible. :D I had the best week... you can follow that experience at dothanyw.blogspot.com if you want.

Life is good. Yes. Yes it is.

I still want to schedule surgery, because I'm still not anywhere close to well, and this is just a temporary reprieve, but I'm so grateful to have it...

Thank you.

But if not...

Okay--does anyone remember the talk in General Conference about the couple who went to a general authority asking to be cured from cancer--the one where he tells them that he doesn't doubt that they have the faith to be healed, but did they have the faith NOT to be healed?

I'm not saying this is happening to me, but I feel like my faith is being stretched and pulled in a gazillion different directions at the same time.

I went to Atlanta and met with the surgeon--had a great consultation. The next day, I return to the hospital for the surgery. We check in and wait. As I'm laying in the bed ready to be whisked off to the operating room, a nurse comes and tells me Dr. Miller has decided to wait. He wants me to consult with a neurologist up here in Atlanta. Oh man--talk about disappointed!

So, I met Dr. Johnston. I like her. Except she wants to study and evaluate my case before approving surgery. UGH. So, now I'm spending my second week in Atlanta without surgery. I am trying a new treatment tomorrow--plasmapheresis. I'll have it for 5 days. It's a temporary fix, but I should feel better for a few weeks...maybe long enough for Dr. Johnston to decide the surgery will be beneficial for me.

Thank you for the prayers. :) I hope this treatment will help--even a small reprieve would be nice.

On the + side, I think I've fallen in love with Priceline.com. I got great accommodations in Atlanta this week for a good price.

Hello, World

How ya been? It feels like forever, and just yesterday at the same time, since I've been active on the blogging network...or any social network at all. I guess I'm ready to try to offer an explanation:

I'm sick. I don't mean I've-got-a-cold-and-need-a-good-pot-of-soup sick, but that I've developed a disease that is life-changing. Myasthenia Gravis. It's one of those things you hear about and thank God that 'you're healthy and don't have to deal with' things. I have a severe case affecting peripheral muscles, mainly. I've been battling it for 23 months now and my life will never be the same. Overnight, it seems, I went from being a normal, healthy, rock-climbing, horseback-riding, scuba diving girl to being essentially bedridden and completely incapacitated. It sucks.

I've often wondered why i chose to isolate myself from my friends and deal with this alone instead of leaning on them for support throughout this hellish ordeal...and the best reason I can come up with is pride. I've been so ashamed.

Now, I have the intelligence and knowledge to understand my condition medically, and I know that it's not my fault. I couldn't have prevented it, autoimmune disorders choose victims indiscriminately without rhyme or reason. But being the independent soul that I am, I couldn't stand for people who knew me as healthy to see me crippled and torn down.

I've been coming to terms with all of this and God and I have interesting discussions at times, but I have more good days (emotionally) than bad. However difficult it is to hang on to hope, my faith is strong. Still, I wouldn't be opposed to encouragement, ideas, and support from anyone inclined to offer some. :)

I also plead with you tonight for prayers...I'm having surgery in the morning to remove the thymus gland, and while I have the utmost faith in the capabilities of my surgeon, prayers from friends could only help.

If the South woulda won....

Okay, so i heard this song on the radio today and, very slowly, this HUGE grin just spread across my face...I'm so proud to be southern. :D This is worth hearing on youtube, should you so desire...but here are the lyrics for your enjoyment.

If the South woulda won...

If the South would won

We'd a had it made

I'd probably run for president

Of the southern states

The day Elvis passed away

Would be our national holiday

If the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd make my supreme court down in Texas

And we wouldn't have no killers gettin' off free

If they were proven guilty

Then they would swing quickly

Instead of writin' books and smilin' on TV

We'd all learn cajun cookin' in Louisiana

And I'd put that capital back in Alabama

We'd put Florida on the right track

'Cause we'd take Miami back

And throw all them pushers in the slammer

Oh, if the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd probably run for president

Of the southern states

The day young Skynyrd died

We'd show our southern pride

If the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd have all the whiskey made in Tennessee

And all the horses raised in those Kentucky hills

The national treasury

Would be in Tupelo, Mississippi

And I'd put Hank Williams' picture

On one hundred dollar bills

I'd have all the cars made in the Carolinas

And I'd ban all the ones made in China

I'd have every girl child sent to Georgia to learn to smile

And talk with that southern accent that drives men wild

I'd have all the fiddles made in Virginia

'Cause they sure can make 'em sounds so fine

I'm going up on Wolverton Mountain and see old Clifton Clowers

And have a sip of his good ole Arkansas wine

Hey if the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd probably run for president

Of the southern states

When Patsy Cline passed away

That would be our national holiday

If the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I said if the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

Might even be better off...

~Hank Williams, Jr.

There's no denying it...

...I'm in love with Spanish. I mean, I guess, I always knew it...ever since I chose to study it in school, but I guess I didn't realize how deeply the love affair ran. :)

My friend came over today and asked me to teach her Spanish so she could converse with the local Panamanians when she goes on her mission trip in March. I was completely ecstatic! I had no idea that I loved Spanish so much...I'm so excited to teach her--I might teach the rest of her group, too.

She told me about the work they do there--run a week long medical mission with her Methodist church--and I just got so proud! I love it. I don't know that it'll work out, but, if at all possible, I plan to go with them in March.

Meanwhile, I'm going to devote myself to teaching these people Spanish so that their efforts are as productive as possible. I'm so excited...I wish there was a way for me to properly and accurately describe my level of excitement, but there's not, I suppose.

HA--I guess that means I'm done running from Fate. She's been pushing me to get my teaching credentials and teach Spanish at the high school level...I suppose this means she's won. As I learned in Stake Conference on Sunday, you can't be given knowledge or understanding without the accompanying responsibility to act on said knowledge. I suppose, now that I realize how much I love teaching this language, I'm obligated to act on it and teach. :)

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

~Rudyard Kipling

Truth

Remember when you argued that point of church doctrine with someone--and you thought you might get somewhere...then, after a couple hours, all you have is an exhausted brain, a confused feeling and disappointment that the other person never did see your point of view--or the truth as you know it?

I had the most wonderful stake conference today...I left feeling spiritually fed and I was in great spirits. Pres. Bess had reminded us that "hey--Satan is a professional" and he has known our spirits for thousands of years...he was our brother...so he knows how to get us. Well, little did I know how quickly this truth would manifest itself in my life:

I had a run-in this afternoon with someone I don't even know. A total stranger. But hey, I was enjoying a wonderful Sabbath evening and was in high spirits...so when they asked if I wanted to chat, I thought "why not?" Well--it didn't take long for me to realize that his version of Gospel truth was a bit different from mine...but he's the one studying for his PhD right now, so he's bound to know something, right? By the time I realized I was in a situation that wasn't going anywhere--his point of view and mine were never going to agree--he'd gotten so angry that he'd become verbally abusive.

Now anyone who knows me, really knows me, is probably thinking "yea, I'll bet that went over really well with her...did she skin him alive or something?" Truth is, I was so shocked that I just took it. I didn't know what to say: I've never before been spoken to in that manner. By the time I pulled myself together enough to hang up the phone, I was rattled. I mean, I don't get upset easily...I try to let things just roll off my back--but the things this person said were awful.

And for one brief moment, I believed some of them. Then I remembered a beautiful truth: I am a child of God. And He loves me. Even with all my imperfections and shortcomings. I don't have to be perfect today...I just have to be trying. Perspective began to return and I realized that this person must have some serious issues, because no one--no matter what they believe--has the right to speak to another human being in such a disrespectful manner.

I'm still slightly shaken up, but I'm better. I'm grateful that I have friends and family who aren't verbally abusive. I'm grateful for the Gospel. And I'm grateful for simple truths--especially the ones we learn in Primary. I am a child of God.

Eat. Pray. Love.

Since I've begun meditating a little every day, peace in my life has increased dramatically--suddenly, life isn't so crazy and the unimportant things just fade into the background. It's simply marvelous. You should try it.

Well, I was wandering around Wal-mart the other day waiting for Sarah and I saw this book (I did NOT know it was being made into a movie...I don't watch TV...). It intrigued me and I picked it up.

Love it. Gilbert is witty and frank and very insightful. She's definitely not LDS...I don't even think she's Christian, but I'm loving her book. I would recommend it to anyone who is looking to regain or adjust their perspective on life--she'll help you do it.

Why can't I just take a year and travel the world? Oh yea, 'cause I don't have a publicist who'll pay for it. LOL.

Great read.

The Boys of Fall

I feel that chill, smell that fresh cut grass

I'm back in my helmet, cleats and shoulder pads

Standing in the huddle listening to the call

Fans going crazy for the boys of fall

They didn't let just anybody in that club

Took every ounce of heart and sweat and blood

To get to wear those game day jerseys down the hall

Kings of the school man, we're the boys of fall

Well it's turn and face the Stars and Stripes

It's fighting back them butterflies

It's call it in the air, alright yes sir we want the ball

And it's knocking heads and talking trash

It's slinging mud and dirt and grass

It's I got your number, I got your back when your back's against the wall

You mess with one man you got us all

The boys of fall

~Kenny Chesney

You guessed it, folks...It's time for COLLEGE FOOTBALL! It's time for camaraderie and competition; Pizza, chips, and good friends on a Saturday night...

The Alabama Crimson Tide promises to have another smoking hot year--we creamed poor San Jose State 48-3...and, for most of the game, our 3rd string were playing.

The BYU Cougars struggled a little, but prevailed over

Washington 23-17: they've got a good backup quarterback lined up behind Payne....

What can I say? Football is infused in Southern blood...I just can't help it. :D

...and to top off the wonderfullness....there was a slight chill to the air when I opened my door this morning. :) Fall is on it's way!

Words from 8.28

Words have power. And once spoken, can't be unspoken. There is wisdom in the advice to listen at least twice as much as you speak. Here are a few words that stuck out to me recently at the Christian Rally I attended in our nation's capital:

That which you gaze upon, you shall become.

As Americans, there is a lot that we can disagree on, but our principles and values can and should unite us.

America is great because she is good; we must each be good, so America can be great.

Tell the truth. America is crying out for truth.

Connect with your family. Charity begins at home.

Have a firm reliance in what you believe. Being a child of God has huge blessings and huge responsibilities...we must know God and follow Him. If we are going to change our lives and our country, we'll reach a point, as did George Washington, when we'll ask "Have I not done enough for my country?" No. God is not done with man's freedom yet.

There comes a time when we must pledge our lives, we much take it on so our children can have a chance. Pay an honest tithe; allow those in our churches to have the means to be charitable.

Life is short and there is work to be done. So pick up your stick and heal the nation.

God is not on our side, but shape up so we can be on God's side.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow may never come; but we have Today to make a difference.

*At this point, 500,000 Americans stood around the reflecting pool of our Capital and sang Amazing Grace. Wow.

The rally I refer to was the Restoring Honor 8.28 rally held last weekend in DC. Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, several members of Martin Luther King Jr's family spoke on Faith, Hope, Charity, Honor, and Truth. It wasn't political. It wasn't racial. It was just incredible.

What I Know

Things i know:

• Rain may be cleansing, but Sunshine is healing.
• Unconditional Love--be it from a family member, friend, or a pet is what life is all about.
• Musicians often express my feelings better than I can, so I'm grateful for music.
• No matter how badly I want to pick up my new violin and figure it out on my own, I'm not getting anywhere...it's time to find a teacher.
• Experience is a painful teacher, but the lessons last.
• Ether 12:27 could be one of the best promises in all the scriptures...I mean, if we must be perfected, what greater promise can there be than the one that tells us how can be.
• Life is all about putting one foot in front of the other. Then again. And again. And again.
  
• Meditation--in whatever form you do it, it essential for health.
• Nothing of value comes free. And nothing free holds it's value.
• Life is beautiful. And good. And happy.