LIFE

Trees

2012-01-29T18:12:00.001-08:00

I spent an hour or so visiting with a good friend today--we don't have any easily accessible mountains down here, but there is a beautiful lake surrounded by amazing trees where I sometimes go to think and ponder. Jana and I just talked about life for a while and it was good to regain some perspective. I am grateful for beauty in nature and for good friends.

"Good Timber" by Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight

For sun and sky and air and light

But stood out in the open plain

And always had it's share of rain,

Never became a forest king

But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to fight,

who never had to win his share of sun

and sky and air and light,

Never became a manly man

But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger the wind,

The tougher the trees.

Musings

2012-01-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

For a long time, I've felt uninspired to actively participate in the world of blogging...I'm not sure where this endeavor will lead--possibly nowhere. Possibly somewhere.

I received a new calling this past weekend--I was asked to serve as the Ozark 1st Ward Young Women's President. I was really excited and anxious for the first few days, then I passed through a period of not-so-mild-trepidation, but after the rest of the presidency was called and sustained yesterday, I am back to being very excited.

I do admit, however, to being aware of and wary of the responsibility I feel--we have 21 girls on our rolls. Mostly, though, I'm excited. :) I have a whole powerhouse of women serving with me and once we get going, I think things will come together nicely.

Back in November at stake conference, I was being released from serving in the stake, and I remember turning to Brother Hanni (he was a member of our bishopric) who was sitting across the aisle and talking about feeling a little lost and needing to find a new direction. Now, here we are just 2 short months later and Brother Hanni is bishop, I'm the ward YW president...we have a new RS presidency and a new EQ presidency. Wow. But it's good. I feel really good about all the changes--and that includes the new stake YW presidency. It was tough at the time to let go of serving there, but now, this feel right and i know that Sister Cain is amazing. Amazing. And she has great counselors...I just have a good feeling about all of this. It's marvelous how the Lord orchestrates our lives so we end up being where He wants us whether we realize it's happening or not.

Sorry about the rambling--just kind of tumbled out. The reason for explaining this was to say that I think I'm going to resurrect my other blog, akingsalaysay.blogspot.com. I stopped writing there some time ago, because it's mainly a place to write about my health and I didn't want others to feel like I was always complaining or looking for sympathy.

However, things are different now. I live in a military ward with a huge turnover in families each year and so most everyone that is in the ward now wasn't here when my health took a rough turn. They don't know that I had a marvelous time hiking all over the Philippines and I love rock climbing and scuba diving and water-skiing and horseback riding... they just see the sick girl who has to use a cane because she struggles to walk even a few feet and looks awful all the time. A lot of the time, I just want to scream "I wasn't always like this...I used to be normal, too." But I don't. I just smile.

Since I can't succinctly explain my situation in a short get-to-know-you-conversation in the hallway at church, even when people ask me about my health; all I really say is that nobody knows what's wrong with me. So my point is that I think the best I can do is record some of my daily struggles with my health on my blog and allow anyone that wants to read it some insight. I'm sure there are still those that think if I would just exhibit a little mental strength, I could get back to normal. To those people, I just offer an "if you say so" smile and go on because anyone who's been around for the long haul knows this is infinitely more complicated than that.

Anyway, I'm excited to serve in the Young Women organization, especially with our theme this year of Arise and Shine Forth (D&C 115:5). And, in an effort to stem some curiosity, will be writing a little more regularly on my other blog.

Remember Pres. Hinckley said "You can be smart and happy, or stupid and miserable...it's your choice." :)

Take Two

2011-07-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, here we go again.

I'm back in Atlanta scheduled for surgery tomorrow morning. I hope that the doctor will not change his mind again.

It's at 9am....

Keep Your Fork

2011-07-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

“Keep Your Fork” Inspirational Story

A woman was diagnosed with a terminal illness and given three months to live. She asked her Pastor to come to her home to discuss her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at her funeral, and what scriptures she wanted read, and which outfit she wanted to be buried in. Then she said, “One more thing… I want to be buried with a fork in my hand.” The pastor was surprised.

The woman explained, “In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably say to everyone, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite time of the dinner, because I knew something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep dish apple pie – something wonderful. So, I want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and wonder, “What’s with the fork?” Then, I want you to tell them, “Keep your fork, because the best is yet to come.”

Attributed to: Roger William Thomas (1996 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul)

Plasmapheresis Rocks!

2011-07-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

Dr. Johnston had a good idea. :) The plasmapheresis (which turned out to be a big deal and a lot of trouble) has helped me. I'm nowhere close to normal, but I am functioning about as well as I did on 60mg of Prednisone daily. For those of you who aren't aware...it was 9 months ago that I took that much. SO, what I'm saying is that I'm doing better now than I have since October. YAY!

I've moved back into my own place and given my poor parents a much-deserved reprieve from my presence in their house. I love it! I'd forgotten how much I enjoy living in my home.

I just got back from Girls' Camp, which was incredible. :D I had the best week... you can follow that experience at dothanyw.blogspot.com if you want.

Life is good. Yes. Yes it is.

I still want to schedule surgery, because I'm still not anywhere close to well, and this is just a temporary reprieve, but I'm so grateful to have it...

Thank you.

But if not...

2011-06-06T17:33:00.001-07:00

Okay--does anyone remember the talk in General Conference about the couple who went to a general authority asking to be cured from cancer--the one where he tells them that he doesn't doubt that they have the faith to be healed, but did they have the faith NOT to be healed?

I'm not saying this is happening to me, but I feel like my faith is being stretched and pulled in a gazillion different directions at the same time.

I went to Atlanta and met with the surgeon--had a great consultation. The next day, I return to the hospital for the surgery. We check in and wait. As I'm laying in the bed ready to be whisked off to the operating room, a nurse comes and tells me Dr. Miller has decided to wait. He wants me to consult with a neurologist up here in Atlanta. Oh man--talk about disappointed!

So, I met Dr. Johnston. I like her. Except she wants to study and evaluate my case before approving surgery. UGH. So, now I'm spending my second week in Atlanta without surgery. I am trying a new treatment tomorrow--plasmapheresis. I'll have it for 5 days. It's a temporary fix, but I should feel better for a few weeks...maybe long enough for Dr. Johnston to decide the surgery will be beneficial for me.

Thank you for the prayers. :) I hope this treatment will help--even a small reprieve would be nice.

On the + side, I think I've fallen in love with Priceline.com. I got great accommodations in Atlanta this week for a good price.

Hello, World

2011-05-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

How ya been? It feels like forever, and just yesterday at the same time, since I've been active on the blogging network...or any social network at all. I guess I'm ready to try to offer an explanation:

I'm sick. I don't mean I've-got-a-cold-and-need-a-good-pot-of-soup sick, but that I've developed a disease that is life-changing. Myasthenia Gravis. It's one of those things you hear about and thank God that 'you're healthy and don't have to deal with' things. I have a severe case affecting peripheral muscles, mainly. I've been battling it for 23 months now and my life will never be the same. Overnight, it seems, I went from being a normal, healthy, rock-climbing, horseback-riding, scuba diving girl to being essentially bedridden and completely incapacitated. It sucks.

I've often wondered why i chose to isolate myself from my friends and deal with this alone instead of leaning on them for support throughout this hellish ordeal...and the best reason I can come up with is pride. I've been so ashamed.

Now, I have the intelligence and knowledge to understand my condition medically, and I know that it's not my fault. I couldn't have prevented it, autoimmune disorders choose victims indiscriminately without rhyme or reason. But being the independent soul that I am, I couldn't stand for people who knew me as healthy to see me crippled and torn down.

I've been coming to terms with all of this and God and I have interesting discussions at times, but I have more good days (emotionally) than bad. However difficult it is to hang on to hope, my faith is strong. Still, I wouldn't be opposed to encouragement, ideas, and support from anyone inclined to offer some. :)

I also plead with you tonight for prayers...I'm having surgery in the morning to remove the thymus gland, and while I have the utmost faith in the capabilities of my surgeon, prayers from friends could only help.

If the South woulda won....

2010-09-23T20:40:00.001-07:00

Okay, so i heard this song on the radio today and, very slowly, this HUGE grin just spread across my face...I'm so proud to be southern. :D This is worth hearing on youtube, should you so desire...but here are the lyrics for your enjoyment.

If the South woulda won...

If the South would won

We'd a had it made

I'd probably run for president

Of the southern states

The day Elvis passed away

Would be our national holiday

If the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd make my supreme court down in Texas

And we wouldn't have no killers gettin' off free

If they were proven guilty

Then they would swing quickly

Instead of writin' books and smilin' on TV

We'd all learn cajun cookin' in Louisiana

And I'd put that capital back in Alabama

We'd put Florida on the right track

'Cause we'd take Miami back

And throw all them pushers in the slammer

Oh, if the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd probably run for president

Of the southern states

The day young Skynyrd died

We'd show our southern pride

If the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd have all the whiskey made in Tennessee

And all the horses raised in those Kentucky hills

The national treasury

Would be in Tupelo, Mississippi

And I'd put Hank Williams' picture

On one hundred dollar bills

I'd have all the cars made in the Carolinas

And I'd ban all the ones made in China

I'd have every girl child sent to Georgia to learn to smile

And talk with that southern accent that drives men wild

I'd have all the fiddles made in Virginia

'Cause they sure can make 'em sounds so fine

I'm going up on Wolverton Mountain and see old Clifton Clowers

And have a sip of his good ole Arkansas wine

Hey if the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I'd probably run for president

Of the southern states

When Patsy Cline passed away

That would be our national holiday

If the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

I said if the South woulda won

We'd a had it made

Might even be better off...

~Hank Williams, Jr.

There's no denying it...

2010-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

...I'm in love with Spanish. I mean, I guess, I always knew it...ever since I chose to study it in school, but I guess I didn't realize how deeply the love affair ran. :)

My friend came over today and asked me to teach her Spanish so she could converse with the local Panamanians when she goes on her mission trip in March. I was completely ecstatic! I had no idea that I loved Spanish so much...I'm so excited to teach her--I might teach the rest of her group, too.

She told me about the work they do there--run a week long medical mission with her Methodist church--and I just got so proud! I love it. I don't know that it'll work out, but, if at all possible, I plan to go with them in March.

Meanwhile, I'm going to devote myself to teaching these people Spanish so that their efforts are as productive as possible. I'm so excited...I wish there was a way for me to properly and accurately describe my level of excitement, but there's not, I suppose.

HA--I guess that means I'm done running from Fate. She's been pushing me to get my teaching credentials and teach Spanish at the high school level...I suppose this means she's won. As I learned in Stake Conference on Sunday, you can't be given knowledge or understanding without the accompanying responsibility to act on said knowledge. I suppose, now that I realize how much I love teaching this language, I'm obligated to act on it and teach. :)

IF

2010-09-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

~Rudyard Kipling

Truth

2010-09-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Remember when you argued that point of church doctrine with someone--and you thought you might get somewhere...then, after a couple hours, all you have is an exhausted brain, a confused feeling and disappointment that the other person never did see your point of view--or the truth as you know it?

I had the most wonderful stake conference today...I left feeling spiritually fed and I was in great spirits. Pres. Bess had reminded us that "hey--Satan is a professional" and he has known our spirits for thousands of years...he was our brother...so he knows how to get us. Well, little did I know how quickly this truth would manifest itself in my life:

I had a run-in this afternoon with someone I don't even know. A total stranger. But hey, I was enjoying a wonderful Sabbath evening and was in high spirits...so when they asked if I wanted to chat, I thought "why not?" Well--it didn't take long for me to realize that his version of Gospel truth was a bit different from mine...but he's the one studying for his PhD right now, so he's bound to know something, right? By the time I realized I was in a situation that wasn't going anywhere--his point of view and mine were never going to agree--he'd gotten so angry that he'd become verbally abusive.

Now anyone who knows me, really knows me, is probably thinking "yea, I'll bet that went over really well with her...did she skin him alive or something?" Truth is, I was so shocked that I just took it. I didn't know what to say: I've never before been spoken to in that manner. By the time I pulled myself together enough to hang up the phone, I was rattled. I mean, I don't get upset easily...I try to let things just roll off my back--but the things this person said were awful.

And for one brief moment, I believed some of them. Then I remembered a beautiful truth: I am a child of God. And He loves me. Even with all my imperfections and shortcomings. I don't have to be perfect today...I just have to be trying. Perspective began to return and I realized that this person must have some serious issues, because no one--no matter what they believe--has the right to speak to another human being in such a disrespectful manner.

I'm still slightly shaken up, but I'm better. I'm grateful that I have friends and family who aren't verbally abusive. I'm grateful for the Gospel. And I'm grateful for simple truths--especially the ones we learn in Primary. I am a child of God.

Eat. Pray. Love.

2010-09-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Since I've begun meditating a little every day, peace in my life has increased dramatically--suddenly, life isn't so crazy and the unimportant things just fade into the background. It's simply marvelous. You should try it.

Well, I was wandering around Wal-mart the other day waiting for Sarah and I saw this book (I did NOT know it was being made into a movie...I don't watch TV...). It intrigued me and I picked it up.

Love it. Gilbert is witty and frank and very insightful. She's definitely not LDS...I don't even think she's Christian, but I'm loving her book. I would recommend it to anyone who is looking to regain or adjust their perspective on life--she'll help you do it.

Why can't I just take a year and travel the world? Oh yea, 'cause I don't have a publicist who'll pay for it. LOL.

Great read.

The Boys of Fall

2010-09-05T12:44:00.000-07:00

I feel that chill, smell that fresh cut grass

I'm back in my helmet, cleats and shoulder pads

Standing in the huddle listening to the call

Fans going crazy for the boys of fall

They didn't let just anybody in that club

Took every ounce of heart and sweat and blood

To get to wear those game day jerseys down the hall

Kings of the school man, we're the boys of fall

Well it's turn and face the Stars and Stripes

It's fighting back them butterflies

It's call it in the air, alright yes sir we want the ball

And it's knocking heads and talking trash

It's slinging mud and dirt and grass

It's I got your number, I got your back when your back's against the wall

You mess with one man you got us all

The boys of fall

~Kenny Chesney

You guessed it, folks...It's time for COLLEGE FOOTBALL! It's time for camaraderie and competition; Pizza, chips, and good friends on a Saturday night...

The Alabama Crimson Tide promises to have another smoking hot year--we creamed poor San Jose State 48-3...and, for most of the game, our 3rd string were playing.

The BYU Cougars struggled a little, but prevailed over

Washington 23-17: they've got a good backup quarterback lined up behind Payne....

What can I say? Football is infused in Southern blood...I just can't help it. :D

...and to top off the wonderfullness....there was a slight chill to the air when I opened my door this morning. :) Fall is on it's way!

Words from 8.28

2010-09-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

Words have power. And once spoken, can't be unspoken. There is wisdom in the advice to listen at least twice as much as you speak. Here are a few words that stuck out to me recently at the Christian Rally I attended in our nation's capital:

That which you gaze upon, you shall become.

As Americans, there is a lot that we can disagree on, but our principles and values can and should unite us.

America is great because she is good; we must each be good, so America can be great.

Tell the truth. America is crying out for truth.

Connect with your family. Charity begins at home.

Have a firm reliance in what you believe. Being a child of God has huge blessings and huge responsibilities...we must know God and follow Him. If we are going to change our lives and our country, we'll reach a point, as did George Washington, when we'll ask "Have I not done enough for my country?" No. God is not done with man's freedom yet.

There comes a time when we must pledge our lives, we much take it on so our children can have a chance. Pay an honest tithe; allow those in our churches to have the means to be charitable.

Life is short and there is work to be done. So pick up your stick and heal the nation.

God is not on our side, but shape up so we can be on God's side.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow may never come; but we have Today to make a difference.

*At this point, 500,000 Americans stood around the reflecting pool of our Capital and sang Amazing Grace. Wow.

The rally I refer to was the Restoring Honor 8.28 rally held last weekend in DC. Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, several members of Martin Luther King Jr's family spoke on Faith, Hope, Charity, Honor, and Truth. It wasn't political. It wasn't racial. It was just incredible.

What I Know

2010-09-03T15:30:00.000-07:00

Things i know:

Rain may be cleansing, but Sunshine is healing.
Unconditional Love--be it from a family member, friend, or a pet is what life is all about.
Musicians often express my feelings better than I can, so I'm grateful for music.
No matter how badly I want to pick up my new violin and figure it out on my own, I'm not getting anywhere...it's time to find a teacher.
Experience is a painful teacher, but the lessons last.
Ether 12:27 could be one of the best promises in all the scriptures...I mean, if we must be perfected, what greater promise can there be than the one that tells us how can be.
Life is all about putting one foot in front of the other. Then again. And again. And again.
Meditation--in whatever form you do it, it essential for health.
Nothing of value comes free. And nothing free holds it's value.
Life is beautiful. And good. And happy.

Even Though...

2010-07-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

Even though:

I spent most of the day alone
my little sister thinks I ruined her holiday because I wouldn't go on vacation with her
my older sister thinks I am obnoxious because I get frustrated with her for not making better decisions
I got a little short today with Bryan (let's face it, I probably don't deserve his patience...)
I haven't even spoken to my parents yet today

I got to:

eat lunch with Grandma. *sigh* Thanks.
learn a little more about unconditional love and sisterhood when I watched In Her Shoes
read PostSecret
smile at 1000 Awesome Things
relax

Happy Independence Day, everyone. I didn't celebrate this year in traditional fashion, but I have spent some time pondering this day and what it should mean to us as Americans. I can't tell you how to feel, but I feel privileged and honored to have grown up with such strong traditions of freedom and independence.

I LOVE our national anthem. I do. What can I say? My chest swells up with pride every time the opening strains resound and I get a little misty-eyed long before I finish the first verse. And I won't write out the lyrics to all 4 verses, but here are a few key phrases that stood out to me today:

proudly we hailed
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream:
Tis the star-spangled banner: O, long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
conquer we must
our cause: It is just
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

That 4th verse is pretty awesome...

Something else that's pretty awesome is this quote by Elder Wirthlin: “Most of us don’t mind doing what we OUGHT to do when it doesn’t interfere with what we WANT to do, but it takes discipline and maturity to do what we ought to do whether we want to or not. What people plan and think and believe are all very important but what they DO is the thing that counts the most.”

I think our Founding Fathers understood this concept of selflessness as they gave up selfish desires for the establishment of a nation that would lay the foundation for the ushering in of the Restoration of the Gospel.

Happy Independence Day.

Friends

2010-06-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

A friend is someone we turn to,

When our spirits need a life,

A friend is someone we treasure,

For true friendship is a gift.

A friend is someone we laugh with,

Over little personal things,

A friend is someone we're serious with,

In facing whatever life brings.

A friend is someone who fills our lives,

With beauty and joy and grace.

And makes the world that we live in

A better and happier place!

~Jean Kyler McManus

I'm grateful for friends. I visited another branch in our stake today and discovered that I have so many friends there. There were so many faces that made me smile. When you take into account my friends from home and/or high school, plus the ones I made out at school, plus the slew of mission friends--both here and there then combine all those with my new friends and my church friends and my family...wow. There are so many people I love. :)

Thank you. To everyone who is a friend. I'm grateful for you.

Shoes

2010-06-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to shoes. Not in an I-love-to-wear-shoes kind of way 'cause anyone who knows me knows that I'm barefooted every chance I get. No, I'm addicted in an oh-my-gosh-those-shoes-are-awesome-and-I-must-have-them kind of way. Most of the awesome pairs of shoes I own, I bought impulsively. I can't seem to help it. Awesome shoes just call to me and make me their slave. Then, of course, I must shop for something to wear with the shoes...and then I might need a bit of jewelry to match...my coolest outfits were all definitely created around the shoe.

So, if I had several hundred dollars to spare right now, which I don't, I would buy these shoes:

and then I'd buy this dress to match:

Of course, in my head, I'd look adorable in them....for now, my debit card stays sheathed in my wallet and my feet stay bare. But I may have vivid dreams tonight involving red shoes and a houndstooth dress...

...don't judge me. :) I'm okay with this addiction...even when it results in shoe-storage issues in my home...lol

Camp Courageous 2010

2010-06-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

So--girls' camp was amazing. :D We have some absolutely awesome, incredible girls. We had about 60 come this year. They have such strong testimonies of Christ already...it blows my mind sometimes. I think back to when I was a youth and I know they are much more prepared for the world than I was at that age--at least spiritually. As a presidency, we have been trying to focus more on spiritual growth and development than other things, and I believe camp was a success. We had spiritual workshops besides our certification and music and we had the girls try out a ropes course. We had group devotionals nightly and then had our YCLs (youth camp leaders) have devotionals with the girls every night in their years.

Our theme was Be Strong and Courageous--from the youth scripture for the year (Josh. 1:9) and we had our girls attend the "Warrior Training Center" to learn to become Warriors of Light. We taught them about spiritual preparation to ward off the evil arrows and darts of Satan. We used the Parable of the Golden Pathway by Jenny Philips as a lesson. We showed the film Forever Strong and discussed the importance of staying strong not only at camp, but at home as well. Of course, we had fun, too. There was a pool and our hike and the girls loved the craft cabin--they made journals and necklaces and shimmery pictures of Christ. Then, during our closing exercises, we had a devotional taken from 1 Thessalonians 5 and Sister Sheri Dew's You Were Born to Lead, You Were Born for Glory. We discussed the Atonement and how Christ is the key to salvation. Then we had the girls stand in a circle and present each other with silver key necklaces as a reminder to stay strong and remember Christ.

We had some of our leaders teach Zumba during free time--that was very fun. The girls played a midnight game of capture the flag. The girls thoroughly enjoyed the pool (and they wisely avoided the lake and the ticks and leeches therewith associated). You've Got Talent was a big hit. And, of course, there were pranks galore (luckily, they stayed out of the stake leaders' cabin). But no damage was done, there was very little, if any, drama, and we didn't have any girls that gave us problems this year. It was a ton of fun and I can't wait for next year. :D

Better

2010-06-06T22:53:00.001-07:00

I'm better today. Yesterday was just a terrible, horrible day. I guess we all have those. Optimism (albeit subdues under the circumstances) is back and excitement for girls' camp is rising. :D

Umph.

2010-06-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

Even looking for the sunshine isn't enough some days...some days are just dark. Even girls' camp looming around the corner couldn't brighten today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

So many thoughts....

2010-06-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

I have so many things that cross my mind to blog about...but I never seem to get them written. lol. For example, I missed my little sister's graduation and play--maybe I'll come back to those.

I've had to be pretty adaptable recently to change--goodness knows I've encountered a lot of that. And the steroids make my mood swing something fierce, but I try to be positive and I think I succeed most of the time. Well-part of these lifestyle changes include adopting new hobbies: I've begun sewing (love love love it) and knitting (learning to like it, especially after having to restart 6 hours worth of work because a missed stitch unraveled a big hole in the middle of my blanket) and recently just crafting, in general (believe me, Michaels loves me.)

The baby blanket I'm currently knitting will be for the Project Linus although I think I'll simply sew the other ones I've committed to making... :P

This weekend, I decided to try these knockoff moleskin notebooks: so great, but so much work! I decided to make them as gifts for the several ladies who so diligently are working for girls' camp, even though it's not their calling. Here's how they turned out:

But nothing in life is accident-proof and my pink book lends evidence to this fact:

It took a swim in my bowl of water I was washing my stamps in, then mom tried to dry it out in the microwave...result was lots of smoke and choking from the peanut gallery and lots of hard work up in smoke, literally. :D

As President Hinckley said: Things will work out. Keep trying. Be believing. Don't get discouraged. Things will work out.

One of my favorite Pres. Hinckley quotes that I've kind of adopted as my motto is this: "Stop looking for the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight." If more of us took his advice, the world would be a brighter place.

Thank you, Pres. Benson

2010-05-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

"Behold, are ye stripped of pride?" Alma inquires in ch 5 verse 28. What a question. I think, if I made one of those really cute mirror-signs that people tape to their bathroom mirrors and looked at it at least twice a day, it still wouldn't be enough of a reminder for me to strip myself of pride.

You'd think, after all I've gone through in past months, that humility (the antidote for pride according to Pres. Benson) would come easily. I mean, my life has been changed. I've lost lots of my ability to participate in the activities I hold most dear. I've had my independence stripped away from me, piece by piece. And yet, there are days, hours, moments, when I Miss the Mark. I lose sight of my ultimate goal and I fall into selfish thoughts. I fail the Pride Test.

It might begin by dwelling on a dream or a goal that I had that no longer seems possible due to my situation. That might lead to feeling sorry for myself because of the ex-dream. Which might lead to a few minutes of crying followed by a heavy dose of "why?" thoughts: why this, why me, why now, etc. This usually leads to a question for the Lord, which might leave me with less-than-cordial-feelings for the tests of life...I end up feeling miserable. I might even end up feeling jealous of those getting to live out my dreams: friends who are married or have their own house and get to work their own garden or get to travel the world or, right now, can just get into their car and drive should the desire arise...etc.

President Benson put it well when he said that the proud wish God would agree with them...they aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's. I certainly know that I don't set out to live life with this attitude--it's just so easy to fall into. Isn't that shameful? That pride has worn a rut so deeply on the side of my path that I'm more comfortable walking in it than climbing and staying out of it?

It's extremely difficult, when you're out in the ocean without a raft, tossed by the huge waves and fighting to get each life-saving breath of air, to remember that there is a bigger picture and our Heavenly Father see it. So, even though I may feel like my life is ending or I am being denied things that I have been previously promised, I try to come up for air. And sometimes, while my head is above water, I try to remember that even though this was so, so far from my plan for my life, maybe there is a purpose in it and I need to humble myself, again, and try to submit to the Lord's will for me. Without challenging it.

On a different note, I will not apologize for the pride I feel in my baby sister. This weekend she has torn up the stage as she dominated the role of Maria in The Sound of Music. Months of rehearsal has paid off and she is incredible. Oh, and did I mention that she was offered The Wallace Sound? This is a full-ride scholarship to her college awarded based on her vocal abilities. She's just so good. :D I absolutely love her and couldn't be more proud of her.

Too much fun...

2010-05-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

I have had the most fun today! Doing what, you ask? Would you believe...sewing? :D

I remember once, as a snotty-teenaged-brat, telling my young women's leader that I didn't want to learn to sew--I planned to make enough money to pay others to do that kind of stuff for me. Sister Godwin, I'm sorry.

Hurting for things to do these days with my limited mobility, I began searching the internet for something I could do for my mom for Mother's Day and found a small craft that involved sewing.

SO, I just had my first sewing lesson with my 87 yr. old grandma. :D She taught me how to use her machine (I mean, I don't even know how to sew on a button) and I dove in. Guess what? I LOVE IT!

Those of you who know me are probably thinking ,"Who in the world is this domesticated person (yes, I said domesticated) and what have they done with Jess?" Well, I guess it's never too late to discover hidden talents--I am good.

I finished 5 of these super-cute aprons today and have plans for more. I worked for 8 hours straight and loved every minute of it. I'm completely exhausted, but every time I glance over at my pet project, I just can't stop grinning.

Who'd a thunk?

Herded

2010-05-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Dr. I-Don't-Know-How-to-Comfort-a-Crying-Woman, I know now how it feels to be a calf herded down a chute. Against my will. By some higher power. And completely out of my control. And I don't feel like explaining it here, so if you want to know, you'll have to ask. And no, I don't want any "Happy Pills." Thanks for the offer, though.

I like this quote--reminds me of a conversation I had recently with my sister: "Cowardice is labeling that which you don't want to change as Your Nature." Can't remember where I heard it, but I liked it.

Also, reminds me of this one, which I also love: "Please spare me your speeches about 'That's just the way I am.' I've heard that from too many people who wanted to sin and call it psychology." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Ugh

2010-05-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

So--there are no words to describe how frustrating it is to be helpless. Until you're in that situation, you can't realize how it feels...you want some cheese? Too bad. You can't drive or even get yourself out of the bed. Everything you do is an inconvenience to someone else. You want to search the internet, but your computer is 5 feet away and you can't get it. So you call someone to come out and get it and hand it to you. Then, in an hour, you need some water. Or a snack. Or a pen and paper. Caring for you becomes a full-time job for someone.

Then you feel guilty for the trouble you've caused everyone and the inconvenience that you are...just by being you. Seemingly every breath you take causes trouble for others. So what do you do? Do you stop existing? Just spend every day lying on a bed trying not to cause any trouble for anyone? Or continue trying to fill your days doing something useful and productive because, while your body is deteriorating, your mind is fine. And being an active person by nature, the sitting all day every day is getting annoying.

I've had patience. At least, I've tried my best to just roll with the punches and be easy-going...but 10 months is a long time, and I just don't know how much longer I can be okay. I really don't.

Be Strong and of Good Courage

2010-05-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again--GIRL'S CAMP 2010! I'm not currently in any shape to attend, but who knows where I'll be in a month. My daily dose of POISON is doing it's job, I suppose...slowly, but surely. We hope to have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic in the next week or two and I have hope that there will be an alternate plan.

Have I mentioned that I Love My Calling? I was so apprehensive about it at first because most of my adult church service has been in either the Relief Society or related to missionary work...so when they asked me to work with the Stake Young Women, I was flabbergasted. I have loved every single minute of it. I work with the most amazing ladies and I couldn't love them more. I adore our work.

Recently, I have felt like a slacker because I've been too down to contribute anything. Being physically ill takes a toll emotionally as well--it's like your brain just shuts down and you don't think. Life passes in a daze--it's kind of like the last 6 or 8 months have just been a blur...I think I'm alive. I'm still breathing. Anyway, we had a meeting this weekend with our YCLs for camp and it was so much fun. We have the most amazing girls.

If there is any possible way, I will be at camp with my girls next month...even if I have to rent a motorized wheelchair and carry my own plywood ramps down to Tallahassee. :D

How I Finally Taught the Big Guy a Lesson

2010-05-01T23:49:00.000-07:00

"I did not provoke the fight, so I feel no remorse for what I was forced to do. We were arguing, and since I was right and he was wrong, he decided to fight to cover his stupidity.

He swung at me first, but because I was in top physical condition, I was able to act quickly and block the punch neatly with my head.

I then jumped to the ground, knocking him down on top of me. I placed my ear in his mouth and poked his finger several times with my eye.

His teeth hurt so much from the strength of my ear that he became irate and tried to kick me, but I cleverly blocked the onslaught with my ribs and face.

I scrambled to my feet and ran to my car in hopes I would get away and save this man from my deadly hands. Before I could start the car he pulled me from the still open door. I then proceeded to swing at him, but only managed to hit myself in the head.

To this I said, “What’s this two against one?” That was the final straw—I lost all control. There will be no mercy!!

Taking him in my death grip, I pounded him in the knee with my stomach—then I hit him two or three times in the fist with my teeth! He had had it! I could tell. After that he didn’t even try to pick me up off the ground. He was too chicken!!"

Perspective is everything!

Sarah

2010-04-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

My baby sister turns 18 tomorrow....wow. Talk about how time flies.

Sarah is one of the most thoughtful teenagers I know. She is concerned with others and loves her family and friends very much. She's so protective of her sisters and nieces that she will defend them to the very end. She's doing well in school and attends seminary every morning. She is a very talented horsewoman and an incredible singer. As a matter of fact, she is playing Maria in The Sound of Music next month. I love her and couldn't be more proud of her.

Happy Birthday, Sis.

Christmas Canon

2009-12-09T07:27:00.001-08:00

Christmas Canon by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Love it.

I admit to not knowing much about the group or how I feel about a lot of their rock-themed Christmas music...but this piece has just stolen my heart and is now my 2009 Christmas favorite. I can't help it. If anyone has a favorite Christmas piece that they think can rival this one, please share it...because I LOVE CHRISTMAS MUSIC (and unashamedly listen to it for a week in March, July, September, then the whole months of November and December). :D

The video is available on YouTube, but the embedding feature has been disabled, so here is the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cP26ndrmtg

...if that doesn't work, then just search for it on YouTube...but don't watch the rock version.

Ever After

2009-12-07T07:13:00.000-08:00

So, this morning started out CRAZY! I was late getting started this morning--and this week is my crazy week anyway...I have to be at the hospital before 8am every day for IVIG until about noon, then I run the 40 miles over to work to close the store every day, so I'm not left much time to do anything else (my poor house just won't get cleaned :). And this morning, I was feeling a little stressed trying to get started.

On the way to Dothan, I heard Carrie Underwood's Ever Ever After...and I just de-stressed instantly. :D Thank you, Carrie.

I can't turn back time. I can't stretch it out or produce more of it than I have been given...all I can do is utilize what I have as wisely as I can and let everything else take care of itself. And NOT WORRY about it. And if my house doesn't get as cleaned as often as I'd like it to--it won't matter much since I'm not gonna be there much this week, anyway. :D

I want to share the lyrics to this song--may we all just let ourselves believe and not get in the way of our dreams.

Ever Ever After

Storybook ending, fairy tales coming true

Deep down inside, we want to believe they still do

In our secrestest heart, it's our favorite part of the story

Let's just admit we all want to make it to:

Ever ever after

If we just don't get in our own way

Ever ever after

It may only be a wish away

Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve

Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe

Unafraid, unashamed

There is joy to be claimed in this world

You even might wind up being glad to be you

Ever ever after

Though the work will tell you it's not smart

Ever ever after

The world can be yours if you let your heart

Believe in ever after

No wonder your heart feel it's flying

Your head feels it's spinning

Each happy ending's a brand new beginning

Let yourself be enchanted, you just might break through

To ever ever after

Forever could even start today

Ever ever after

Maybe it's just one wish away

Your ever ever after

Sometimes

2009-12-05T02:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life isn't fair...okay, life really isn't ever fair. But it's still

beautiful. :D

Sometimes all it takes to realize that having a prednisone-induced moon face for a few months isn't the end of the world is driving down a beautiful deserted back road in AL late at night and being overcome by the beauty of a full moon shining over the tree tops. Then feeling grateful for God's gift of modern medicine.

Sometimes people surprise you...and sometimes you surprise yourself. Take it all in stride.

Sometimes all it takes is a good bubble bath and pink-and-white-

striped-super-fuzzy toe socks to make life good again.

Sometimes crazy is okay.

*3:45am; Black Friday 2009; in line at Kohls

Everything idon't--DROID does.

2009-11-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

Here he is: Everyone--meet ERIS. HTC DROID ERIS, to be exact. He is officially the new love of my life.

GOOGLE+Verizon+HTC= Coolest Operating System EVER.

Virtually sync everything Google.
Open Development.
"There's a map for that."
Android Market for all the coolest apps.

I can't, just can't, express the awesomeness that is ERIS. Ever since I touched him for the first time, I just had to hold him.

STOP BY A LOCAL VERIZON and play...you'll love him, too.

http://www.pcworld.com/reviews/product/331988/review/droid_eris.html

http://www.htc.com/us/product/droideris/specification.html

Naman

2009-11-06T20:19:00.000-08:00

So the treatments got easier as the week went on...the nurse said I probably needed it so badly that the first couple of days my body just wanted to sleep and recover. But hopefully it will help me feel better--of course, now that I don't have to be rushed like a crazy person between hospital and work all day every day, I will be able to rest a little more and hopefully see more improvement. :)

Mr. PICC and I are getting along better, but I will have to admit--I have a new love in my life. When I get a picture, I'll post about him...by Monday at the latest. :)

IVIG

2009-11-03T20:30:00.000-08:00

"So when the nurse-of-many-years asks to put an IV in your hand and you request it in your forearm because you think it'll be more convenient to wear to work the next day, you should've listened, Jess. Because now, you have a huge bruise in your forearm AND an IV in your hand."

This is what I was thinking yesterday. Today I'm thinking--"man, that giant sore spot that used to house intact veins in my hand hurts, but not nearly so much as the PICC line they started today."

Okay--so my neurologist in Birmingham FINALLY (3 weeks late) convinced my local neurologist (that hard-headed man) to read his orders and start IVIG therapy this week. Well--the experience has been unique. I get to spend 4 hours every morning this week at the hospital and as I shared a bit before: the IV situation has been a fiasco. But I've survived two days and now have the PICC line (a semi-permanent IV site that threads into your heart but looks like an IV imbedded in your upper arm) for subsequent days and months.

Even though they don't know exactly what's wrong or what's causing my body to malfunction, Dr. Oh is trying a treatment that involves a high dose of steroids along with this IVIG. The Prednisone is an immunosuppressant and the IVIG is just immunoglobulins gathered from multiple donors. If I understand correctly, this should keep my body from producing the harmful self-attacking antibodies and flood my system with good donor antibodies which will destroy all antibodies my body produces, both good and bad. This should, hopefully, allow my body to kind of restart building my immune system from scratch when it's all over. Is there anybody medically minded out there who has a better understanding? A little enlightenment would be nice... :)

Anyway, so this has been a tough week. But I have faith that, eventually, this will all work out for the best and I can return to good health...it's a shame how much I took my health for granted when I had it.

But I'm still surviving...although it feels like I just barely make it some days. :D My baby sister wants me to go with her to the Peanut Festival tomorrow evening--and I'm gonna make that happen even if it kills me. I want, for at least one day this week, a sense of normalcy back in my life.

...and then the silver lining comes out...

2009-10-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Just when life is getting to you and you're beginning to wonder.....God takes pity and cracks a window for you to get some fresh air. :)

Some of my friends are coming to visit. Yay.

Feeling vs. Being

2009-10-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

So, there is definitely a difference between FEELING better and BEING better. For example, when one feels better about something, they tend to think they are better and may act foolishly. Or they may temporarily become short-sighted and do something detrimental to the process of actually getting better...because they feel better.

On the other hand, if you are getting better, but don't feel better...are you really getting better? Isn't part of the healing process feeling better?

Even though I know that sugar is bad for me right now, I couldn't resist those chocolate-covered strawberries...you see, I was feeling better and feeling better led me to believe maybe I was getting better. Oops.

Even though I've worked really hard to draw closer to the Lord and use His strength to help me heal...and I've been more at peace in my life lately, it's just too easy to pour out of the pitcher of spiritual reserve and think "I'll refill it soon." Until one time you reach for it, it's depleted. Oil is earned drop by drop. Fill the lamp daily. There is no excuse. Feeling better all too often causes well, me at least, to become lax.

And knowing something is going to happen and preparing yourself for it emotionally isn't the same as being prepared emotionally. Walking in on a lunch date with him and the new girlfriend in the break room at work. Not prepared for that. But okay with it, surprisingly. More sad about the resulting loss of the friendship.

So, I can't decide. Is feeling better before you are getting better a good thing? Any opinions or advice?

And then there's Pixie. She loves me anyway. Always listens. Always needs me and is always there. Can't wait to curl up in my lap. Finds any excuse possible to give me kisses. Dogs truly are man's best friend.

*This is her not now, mom face.

FALL

2009-10-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

"Up North, you know it's Fall when the leaves change...in the South, you just look for the dust from the peanut harvest." That's what the radio said this morning... :D FALL has FINALLY come to Alabama and I'm so excited! I had to light the furnace last night and I was just giddy.

And at the end of the month, we have the National Peanut Festival and I can't wait! I haven't been to a peanut festival in 6 years due to having relocated for a while--I think I was a senior in high school last time I got to go...definitely long overdue.

www.nationalpeanutfestival.com

A Friend

2009-10-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

I made a friend today. I was just thinking yesterday as I prepared to go shopping that I wish I had someone I could call to just go with me--how marvelous it would be if I had some friends down here. I mean, I love my family and I consider them friends, but I think you all know what I mean. I need some social interaction with people my age.

At choir today, I sat next to a woman with a beautiful new baby and we shared music. As we chatted, we discovered that we get along really well. We actually have mutual friends from Minnesota--random, huh? She knows them from home and I know them from BYU. Her husband and I both majored in Spanish and she was just thinking how nice it would be to meet someone her own age from the area. She and her husband are here with the military.

I made a friend today. :D I think I will take her a cute little outfit next week for her beautiful new baby.

Journal

2009-10-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a while...I've been changing a lot of things in my life recently--a total engine overhaul, if you will. :) I've been writing in my journal regularly and I've neglected my blog.

So much has happened since my last silly post that I don't even know how to begin...I think I'll just simply state that life was dark. The past few months have simply been a blur. BUT life is beautiful again. Wounds have been cleansed, treated and band-aided. Healing is marvelous--both physical, emotional and spiritual.

I feel like I have a new lease on life--a new life. I'm still figuring things out and learning and changing and adapting and it's all-consuming. New life is happier, brighter, simpler, peaceful.

I am grateful.

NO!!!!!!

2009-09-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE that the price of mp3s has increased to...

$1.29

PER SONG!!!!!

This is just impossible. infuriating. heinous.

What has the world come to?

Hilarious

2009-09-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

I know most of you have already seen this, but I just love it. I mean, every time I see it, I laugh out loud. :D So, for everyone who speaks at least one semester of Spanish, ENJOY.

Football

2009-09-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

In case any of you don't know me very well...or at least didn't know I love college football---I LOVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL! :)

About a month ago, I was having lunch at work with a friend--in Beef O' Brady's (local sports bar). And it just hit me. Like a ton of bricks: football season starts soon! I screamed, I think upon my realization and Kwanza looked at me like I was insane. lol

I watched last week and when BYU beat Oklahoma, it made my weekend. I mean, all weekend I would just randomly say: BYU won. They did it. They beat a top 10 school. And then I would just grin. AND to top off the awesome weekend, Alabama won, too.

So I was sitting here wondering what to do with the rest of my day and it hit me: I have TWO football games to watch. :) BYU at 2:30 and Alabama at 6. *sigh* could life get any better? On second thought, don't answer that--just let me revel. :D

today

2009-09-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

I mopped my floor today. And I can't tell you how proud I am of it. :) I'm sitting on my couch resting and I just keep looing at my very very clean floor. yay.

Nasa Diyos...

2009-09-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

Nasa Diyos ang awa
nasa tao ang gawa.

Denotation: Doles out God the grace

Comes from people the works

Connotation: (It's the responsibility of people to work; it's God's place to hand out grace)

Life has good to me over the past few weeks. I had a friend drive all the way from Wisconsin to visit (okay--I wasn't the reason for the trip, but I'm glad he could make time to stop) and he brought another friend from Tallahassee...it was so incredible to get to visit with them. Who would've guessed that we would ever all sit on a pier at a private pond in backwoods Alabama and visit?

Then FALL came. Well, almost. LOVE FALL. Good chance to rediscover myself (I get to do it every fall :). And life is just beautiful in general. Can't really explain why--it just is.

Spend several days contemplating life sitting on the world's most beautiful beaches. Am slowly healing--both emotionally and psychologically.

My very bones ache at the hope that a visit to Julie & Ryan in UT is a possibility in the near future. I want it so much...

General Conference is around the corner. Can't wait.

I'm glad I live here.

I think that instead of spending 15 more years in school chasing my real dream (of being a cardiologist) or spending 7 more years in school settling for being another type of doctor, I'm gonna be a cardiology surgical physician's assistant. Good career. Better choice. Can live contentedly with that decision. In spite of the fact that I'm almost 26 and still single, I really would love to get married and become a wife and mother sometime in the (hopefully) near future. Waiting is hard.

Daily thought: "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." ~D&C 123:17

Life is good. Sometimes I forget and have to be reminded. Silly girl.

Glenn Beck

2009-08-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

"This is a dangerous time for freedom and liberty in this country." ~Rush Limbaugh

Who is this government that we are letting walk all over our Constitution--just plow through it as though it wasn't even there? It's time to take a stand, America.

The time to hide and watch is over. It's time to stand up and speak out for our freedom. In the words of Captain Moroni "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children..."* We need to fight.

Stand with me against oppression. Listen to what Glenn Beck has to say on Fox News at 5pm EST today and find out what WE can DO to maintain the liberties fought for and preserved by our Nation's Founding Fathers.

We can make a difference--if we will.

*Alma 46:12

What's up.

2009-08-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't been very forthcoming in passing out information about my life over the last 6 weeks--I didn't really want anyone to worry...

You don't ever really expect to get sick--at least not a sickness that rest, time, and doctors can't fix. But I'm quickly learning that life throws curve balls sometimes. And from a christian standpoint, Satan seems to attack your emotional health at the exact moments you're down physically. That's all I'll say about that.

So, here I am, 6 miserable weeks into some mysterious illness that no one can explain. I'm suffering from dry mouth, inability to swallow food, inability to digest food, uncontrollable bowels and bladder, extreme fatigue with muscle weakness, and inability to control my muscles as I should be able to.

The worse symptom, I think, is the eyes. I can't see--and haven't been able to for about 5 weeks now. One day I noticed that they weren't focusing as they should be--then before I knew it, my pupils were permanently dilated. I've since learned that whatever else may be the cause, the result, as least for my eyes is Adie's Syndrome. Ick.

I can't walk well--my muscle coordination is off. I don't have the energy to walk hardly more that 30 steps at any one time and I can barely get up the 3 steps into my house.

Essentially--in 6 weeks, I have been transformed from a healthy running-with-my-dog, jumping-my-horse, sailing-with-my-boyfriend, 25 year old into an 85 year old with the vision of a 70 year old. I mean, really, my 86 year old grandmother has more stamina these days than I do. Shameful. I wear contacts for distance and reading glasses for up close and still can't see well in the middle.

In the past 6 weeks, I have been to 11 doctors ranging from general practicioners to super-specialists; these 11 have conferred with at least 7 others. They have taken 30 vials of blood in the past 10 days; during my 5 day hospital stay, I had these tests run: MRI, MRA, MRV of brain; x-rays of chest and abdomen; modified barium swallow; EMG nerve conductivity study; ultrasound of my heart; spinal tap (YUCK to the required 24 hours lay flat period following that one) and PFTs (pulmonary function tests). I was treated by neurology, radiology, cardiology, respiratory therapy, speech therapy, and physical therapy.

And nobody knows anything. Tests are normal. We have a long, extensive list of what it's NOT including: HIV positive, syphilis, MS, Guillian-Barre, Eppstein-Barr.

I need Dr. House.

I am currently undergoing a 5 day super-intense treatment with Solumedrol via IV. That, in itself, is bad enough. They tell me there is a 50/50 chance that this will help a little. Maybe give me a little energy until more tests come back. Conclusion: Steroids are Bad.

In an attempt not to weigh down this blog anymore, I'll be writing more in depth about this at my other blog: fightwithmillerfisher.blogspot.com. *

*we don't know if it's miller-fisher syndrome, but the symptoms seem to fit better than anything else I've researched thus far...

Guess so, then.

2009-08-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

Well--you've been avoiding me. And that made it really easy to imagine that things are fine--just fine and dandy. I've had my head wrapped around so many other things recently that I just let it go and in the "never never land" existence that is my psyche, things were great. I kept inviting you over just expecting you to hold my hand and help me--without any drama. Just be there. Let the troubles of tomorrow take care of themselves. Yea, right.

So you finally came today. And we talked. And I guess it really is over. Huh. How shall I stand thinking about what I lost in you? How shall I survive watching you date other people? It's not like I have anywhere to run...

I can promise to TRY to be friends. But I can't promise that I'll be nice all the time--especially when I see you doing things with her that we should be doing: like playing at the beach and scuba diving and visiting Utah and going to the peanut festival...argh.

I was content being single--I had accepted my lot in life. Then you came along and ruined that for me...now what do I do?

okay then

2009-08-05T21:01:00.001-07:00

i didn't text or call you last night--and I felt stronger today. Then you told me that you don't accept that I broke up with you...and you introduced yourself as my boyfried several times. i didn't stop you. i still love you. telling you once that i don't think we'll work out almost killed me. how in the world can i have to tell you over and over 'cause you choose not to accept it? i still love you. and i think it's romantic that you won't give up. i guess things could go back to how they were...with the understanding that we can't ever marry each other. is that enough for us?

an attempt at some comic relief

2009-08-04T17:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks, mom. I love you, too.

2009-08-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

read some blogs. reminders of things I'll never do with you. crying harder. maybe Kwanza's right. but I don't think so. stupid stupid self.

today.

2009-08-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today--I saw you. And you even smiled a little. Then you were hurt. and angry. and a little mean. I was mean, too. human nature = fight fire with fire. I'm sorry. I still can't breathe. Being home is too hard. going out is harder. considering moving. temporary transfer. utah hopefully. distance would be good. not practical. need jules.

people keep asking if I'm okay--and what can I say, "no, I'm dying." so of course I say yes. But that's a lie. blindness is worse. don't know why. still don't blame you. wish you happiness. may not be able having to see it though. sleep is good. wish you well in tournament tonight.

you

2009-08-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

You don't read by blog--and today I'm grateful for that.

I can't breathe. I can't even think. And I feel incredibly panicked every time I think of you. I have picked up my phone at least a hundred times today and I've even considered running to the store to make sure you're okay. I don't want you to hurt--that's not fair. One minute I wish you'd answer my text and then I fear you will. So I just sit. and cry. and hope I'll feel okay some day. I miss you.

America the Beautiful

2009-07-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

America the Beautiful

Words by Katharine Lee Bates,

Melody by Samuel Ward

Oh, beautiful for spacious skies,

For amber waves of grain,

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plain!

America! America!

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea!

Oh, beautiful for pilgrim feet

Whose stern, impassioned stress

A thoroughfare of freedom beat

Across the wilderness!

America! America!

God mend thine every flaw,

Confirm thy soul in self-control,

Thy liberty in law!

Oh, beautiful for heroes proved

In liberating strife,

Who more than self their country loved

And mercy more than life!

America! America!

May God thy gold refine

Till all success be nobleness

And every gain divine!

Oh, beautiful for patriot dream

That sees beyond the years

Thine alabaster cities gleam

Undimmed by human tears!

America! America!

God shed his grace on thee

And crown thy good with brotherhood

From sea to shining sea!

I have always loved the fourth of July--it's my favorite holiday. I was slightly saddened this year by hearing the people I love talk about not even acknowledging the holiday because they are upset with the current leadership of this nation. Well, let me tell you something. This land we have today was fought for valiantly--it was won by blood, sweat, & tears. Every inch of American soil was purchased by the shedding of blood by every man who fought and/or died for our independence and we need never forget that.

I am so grateful that I live in America. I have visited and lived in other countries and while I appreciate what I learned there, nothing compares to the freedoms that we enjoy as Americans. It's time we acknowledged them and fought for them--against anyone who might try to take them away from us. But don't ever, EVER tell me that America is no longer a great place to live because I know that that is a lie. I love you, America. God Bless the USA.

life

2009-06-24T23:02:00.001-07:00

Why does life consist of so much heartache? Oh yea...because it was never meant to be easy. It was meant to be difficult--to stretch us and provide opportunities for growth so we can become our best selves. As Elder Holland put it: how can I expect to be a disciple of the Savior if I don't ever experience any of the agony that He experienced here on earth. Because when life if hard and our heart is broken, we listen better to the faint godly whisperings of the Spirit. Oh yea--that's why.

Yum.

2009-06-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

After work yesterday, Danny and I went to my friend Donna's house to make homemade jelly. :) It was SO MUCH FUN! Those of you who know me know that I am a true country girl at heart and I love nothing more than warm homemade bread with homemade jelly on it. Mmm.

So, I've been picking blackberries and peaches for about a week now--just saving them for the momentous day that I'd get to turn them into something incredibly delicious. :D That day was yesterday. AND, Donna had lots of fresh red plums (my favorite homemade jelly) and blueberries. So we made 4 batches of scrumptious yumminess that I now need to find a place in my oh-so-tiny trailer to store. lol.

It was the perfect ending, I think, to a good father's day. Danny and I had dinner before we went over to make jelly and I had him tell me about his boys Tony and David--they seem like great kids, but I may not ever actually get to meet them...I'm such a chicken; I might just buy a plane ticket and run to UT before they get here. lol.

Of course.

2009-06-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

So, my company sent me to Montgomery to attend a Stress Management training course today--it was INCREDIBLE! I got to stay in a really great hotel, then take an awesome course. I didn't learn anything about stress that I didn't already know, but I realized that sometimes when you get bogged down in the middle of something and stress is all around you, it's hard to remember to take a step back and realize that YOU can change your attitude and, consequently, your stress level. It was great.

We also studied something published by Wilson Learning. I don't know what it's called, but it's a grid that you can chart people on based on personality. It's great! And it works. :) Everyone I know fits somewhere: there are four classifications which are AMIABLES, ANALISTS, DRIVERS, & EXPRESSIVES. These are qualiifed by four things which are: ask and tell & people and tasks. This was so enlightening. I am an Expressive. Danny is an Amiable. This is why we get along so well--I'm loud and opinionated and need validation and attention while he just is nice and wants everyone to be happy...and he treats me like a queen. :) This is why we're good together. I learned how to learn how to get along with everyone by classifying them and then treating them how they need to be treated. Wow. This is so effective. lol. For example: Becca is an Expressive. Ant is an Expressive. Angie is an Analyst; Ben is a Driver; Kristi is an Expressive; Hugh is an Analyst; etc.

Anyway, if you want some good learning, buy this class and take it... definitely worth every penny.

HI

2009-06-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY have reliable internet service--I bought a Netbook from Verizon Wireless and I absolutely love it. :) yay. Another problem that I have is that it's been so long since I've kept a blog that I think I've forgotten how. I sit here and can't think of a thing to say even though I really have been living for the past few months...

I'll start with a big CONGRATULATIONS to Krista and Taylor on a long-awaited engagement.

CONGRATS to Tyler for graduating Med school. HANG IN THERE Becca for just a few more weeks. :) I hope you simply adore California.

Congrats to Ant, Ben and Angie for a successful trip to Ireland--at least, I think it was a success...you all survived, right? :)

Congrats to Hugh and Kristi for moving across the country with a baby.

And CONGRATS to everyone that graduated this semester.

I don't konw what to say about me--I have a lot to work out, but here's my life in a nutshell:

I'm dating an incredible puerto rican who pastors a non-denominational church here in town. I'm spending lots of time at my beloved beach. I work like a demon to pay off debts. I feel like time has just kind of stopped and I live in a time warp. Guys--I don't know where to begin to pick up communication again with lots of y'all...but don't give up on me--I'm gonna try.

Mahals,
Jess

sad day.

2009-05-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

I feel like I may have dropped off the face of the earth--I haven't had internet in 2 months. I haven't read blogs, I barely facebook (it's not convenient from my phone) and my email is stagnating. Well, when the time comes that I have a couple hundred dollars to spare, I will have one of Verizon Wireless' netbooks and I will have constant internet access. :) yea--I long for the day.

Since I'm cheating at work and bypassing the filter to access the internet, I should go. I love everyone out in Utah and I've been missing most of y'all most sorely lately. And my friends who went to Ireland need to let me know how that went. :D

Mahal ko kayo,
Jess

Amen.

2009-04-23T20:50:00.001-07:00

A SIMPLE ANALOGY from a Texas Tech University professor:

An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.

It could NOT be any simpler than that...

The Best Prank in the World

2009-04-09T19:28:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while...lots to say, limited internet. This is great! Just watch their faces.... :D

Lime Green Pants

2009-03-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

I have this pair of pants: they are lime green--I mean, you can see them for miles around, lime green. They weren't expensive and I just bought them one day because they were on sale (once again, I stress the lime-green-ness :)

I purchased these guys back in 2003 and they have been everywhere with me. I have so many memories in them...

hiking the Wasatch mountains in the dead of night
being spotted by friends outside of the MTC one P-day
almost all my adventures from the Philippines happened in them. Seriously, they are in almost all my pictures from the mission....*sigh*
Jules
eating ice cream on the love sac in them nursing a broken heart
loaning them to my friend Rachel when she got was too pregnant to wear jeans

It may sound crazy, but they mean a lot to me...and now I'm sending them to Germany to comfort my friend Sanita on her mission. I think I'll miss them terribly, but I shall be comforted by knowing that they are having their own adventure--and I can have them back in 18 months. :)

*When I talked to Sanita before she left--I got so homesick to be back on a mission, I almost cried several times. I wish I could go back. Again. And again. And again.

Crossing the Bar

2009-03-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

I attended my granddaddy's funeral today and as he has been a devout Southern Baptist his whole life, they had a preaching instead of a program. I started thinking about it, and I decided that my favorite poem about passing on is this one listed below. I'm gonna make sure everyone I know knows that I want it read at my funeral one day. If you have a poem that gives you comfort, feel free to share. :)

Crossing the Bar
by Alfred Tennyson

Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;

For though from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crossed the bar.

Granddaddy

2009-03-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

What do you say about a man you've known all your life when he's suddenly taken in a car crash? Well, I'll say that I loved him. And he was a great man. And he had people standing in a line that went out of the building to the curb for his viewing-- this went on for 4 hours. May peace bless his widow. Bye, Granddaddy.

Ugh

2009-03-03T19:12:00.000-08:00

I am done. I am sick and tired of being a magnet for boys who are needy. I'm not saying that every guy in my past has been so, just most of them.

And today, I was approached by a very silly girl. She had been complimenting me and I thought she was being silly because she was trying to impress her boyfriend/fiancee/husband (she had introduced him as all 3 during the course of our interaction). She then proceeded to lean over and whisper in my ear. Her question? "Are you bi-sexual? Because you're cute." Oh crap.

Silly bisexual women, stand in line behind all the needy men. I really need to meet someone...

Huxley's New World

2009-03-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

Anyone remember reading Brave New World in high school? I liked it...probably because we read it and compared it to 1984, which I thought was scary.

Well, this last week I had an experience. And this book came to mind. Disclaimer: I HAVE given myself 3 days to process this experience and make sure this post isn't a post of passion. I was sitting in a classroom learning. And, in my experience, the best way to learn is to pay attention and ask questions (feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken here). Well, my facilitator told me to quit asking questions because I was wanting to know things that weren't relevant. (If I'm asking questions about my job that were prompted by materials I read in the manual, how in the world is this not relevant?!) Anyway, I was (and am still) outraged and disgusted by the fact that I was told "not everyone exists on the same aptitude level." So what, I should stop inquiring because there may be someone else in the room who can't or doesn't want to understand something? (which I don't think was the case)

I suddenly had flashbacks to BNW and poor Bernard and Helmholtz--persecuted by society for daring to have a mind of their own. I absolutely refuse! to be kept from inquiring about things relevant to my position in the company just because someone (regardless of his title or position) says I should. This might be disastrous in the long run, but behaving any other way would contradict my moral beliefs. Am I being too tenacious about this? What do y'all think?

SNOW!

2009-03-01T19:39:00.001-08:00

I can't believe that it snowed today in my hometown--twice! For the second time in my life, white powder has been poured down on the residents of Newton, Alabama. Glory be. :)

Today as I drove in to Columbus, GA for my next week of work, I found myself in a winter wonderland. I can't believe my eyes--there is at least 1.5 inches of snow on the ground. And the cars and the rooftops etc. I was nostalgically reminded of Provo--I miss you guys.

And while I am grateful to be back in Dixie, I admit that I do miss the snow. So, the grass is greener on the other side, always. ;)

A Dream is a Wish...

2009-02-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

...your heart makes. :) I had a dream. It consisted of hiking to a waterfall this weekend while I'm trapped in the city. I had done research, I planned the hike, I packed for it etc. And I've been excited for this all week.

So today, I thought I was gonna have time and I was so excited...until I stepped outside into the cold windy weather. My heart fell--then I accepted the fact that my dream will have to wait until next time I'm up here. But here's a picture of the falls so you can all feel sorry for me. :D

The falls lie in the mountains of northern GA. The falls is 729-feet and was named Amicalola by the Cherokee Indians which means "tumbling waters."

Have a marvelous week, guys. Be grateful for life--it's an incredible gift.

:D

2009-02-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

I did make it to the temple Tuesday...and it was amazing. :) I'll go again tonight. I didn't know I'd miss it so desperately--the temple acts as my accelerometer--it helps me keeps my head up. :) *Sigh of Contentment*

My hotel offers free bar (which I won't utilize) and free, hot, made-to-order breakfast (which I haven't utilized yet--gotta get up earlier. :) It has a salt water pool and hot tub (just wonderful for your skin) and a 24 hour fitness center. The atrium is gorgeous with fountains and palm trees inside it...my room has 2 digital flatscreen tvs (with a free Nintendo Gamecube) as well as a luscious king-sized bed. I would recommend this place to anybody, anytime...except that you have to pay for wifi--$10.00 per 24 hours. I mean, really. Even McDonalds and Holiday Inn

offers free wifi. Seriously, that is my only complaint.

My training is going well--we were given a 5" binder FULL (and I do mean full) of paperwork and information...i feel like i'm cramming for an exam. :) But today we got to play with lots of the newer models and devices...i like learning how to use them all. I like Windows OS, but I also really like the Blackberry devices. And on the other hand, Palm isn't too difficult to use...i don't know which I'll end up with for my personal phone.

My friend up here won free tickets to see Mark Chestnut tomorrow night, so I'm going with her to that, then my friend Sanita is coming up on Saturday to go through the temple for her mission, so I'll do that, too. :) It's gonna be a good weekend.

Whew

2009-02-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you know that I got a job. :) Today was my first day of work although it doesn't really feel like work yet: I am in Atlanta for 2 weeks of training. I am being put up in the Embassy Suites hotel, which is a pretty sweet deal by itself, then I am fed and paid wages for my time here. My first thought was, "wow. they sure are spending a lot to send us up here for training...." Now I know why. We are important to them and if they train us properly, we'll stick around longer and save money in the long run.

I am really excited about being a part of this company. I suggest everyone check them out at http://www.flextronics.com/. We have fingers in almost every company out there--at least any company who it technology savvy. I suppose we're just amazing, that's all. :) We lead the world in what we do. We manufacture in over 30 countries and have over 100,000 employees on 5 continents. If you can dream it up, we can make it a reality. Yea, we're that cool.

I felt so backwards and out of place here in this hotel when I got here...i've never stayed some place so nice. :) And you should meet the kids in my class--what a riot! It's so interesting every day. But at least I have my car and my own room...and the BEST PART is that the temple is only a few blocks away! I have desperately missed my temple. And now I can go lots...and I plan to. In order to make up for having to stay inside most of the day and not having any horses to save my sanity, I can go to the temple for that. :) I am content. They were closed today, of course, but you can bet that I'll be there tomorrow.

25 Mga Bagay...

2009-02-05T07:04:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged once through my friend's blog (ya got me, Talyn) and by about 3 people on facebook...so I suppose I'll eke out a few random thoughts for ya. =)

1. I should be working, but I'm sitting here holding my mom's VERY pregnant dachshund because I feel sorry for her.

2. I feel the urge to watch after anyone I've ever met, even when doing so is not logical to other people. Ex: I'm gonna make cookies today and deliver them to people I don't even know who have been sick or depressed...like the ward librarian...

3. I am an extremely loyal friend. It's a blessing and a curse. I usually love people more than they love me which I prefer because it means that I am the one hurt and not them.

4. I love to serve others. I will give of myself until there's nothing left to give...then I go home satisfied with life. It's a mindset that not many people understand...but for those of us that do, it's a great way to live.

5. I love my grandma. Do not argue with anything she says...say "yes, ma'am" and get out or I will hurt you. Be respectful.

6. When I live in UT, I like the snow. When I live in AL, I like t-shirts and flip-flops. Go figure.

7. People out West sometimes complain that I don't have a Southern accent...it's because my speaking pattern is easily influenced by the people I live around. Just give me a month or two and I sound native to wherever I'm living.

8. Leaving some of my friends out in UT felt like I was cutting off my right hand. I still haven't fully recovered.

9. I hate onions. And, yes, I can ALWAYS tell that they are there...cooking them doesn't make them disappear. ;)

10. I am slightly OCD. This means I usually do everything myself. And I'm content with that because then I don't have to worry that things won't turn out because they weren't done the way I thought they should have been.

11. I am fiercely protective of my sisters. If you have something to say that's not nice about them: don't.

12. I love living alone. It's marvelous. But I want people close by. The whole "move-to-the-mountains-and-live-alone-9-months-of-the-year" idea is definitely out. :D

13. I will be a doctor someday. And I will travel to underprivileged countries to help the children. I will.

14. I'm surprisingly interested in learning about "going raw." If you know what that means, yay. :)

15. I don't hold grudges. Ever. This means that if I lose my temper with you and then call you in 5 minutes acting like everything's fine, it is. So if I can't understand why you're still upset about something that happened eons ago, I really can't. Let it go. :)

16. I should have entitled this "more than you ever wanted to know about me...."

17. My life is never as interesting as the girl next door's...but that's okay. I love my life.

18. I will visit Mexico, the Philippines, Africa, Cuba, Ireland, Panama, Japan, and many other countries before I die.

19. I try to positively impact someone's life every day.

20. I just remembered that I left water boiling on the stove at home....crap......be right back.....

21. I don't have tv or internet at home (which I still have because my propane stove didn't burn it down even though I left it on for an hour). And I like it.

22. I recently received a calling in my stake. And I feel torn between feeling that it's the right place for me and that I am going to fail miserably.

23. I watch Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy religiously. But I don't let anyone watch them with me because I feel that they aren't appropriate.

24. When I hear about other people's adventures, I always get secretly jealous that they're having cooler experiences than me (right now, that's you Becca. :) But since I don't hold grudges, ever, the feelings only last a few seconds. Then I repent and am exceedingly happy for them.

25. I live parts of my life vicariously through other people. For example, through my little sister I get to know what it feels like to be an amazing singer. Through my older sister I get fulfillment from having a family. And I live vicariously through people in books all the time. I think I've probably read over 5000 pages in more than 10 books since I got here a month ago.

26. I am matapang. And I like it that way.

So, now you know more about me than you probably ever wanted to. Have a great day.

What a RUSH!

2009-01-30T22:59:00.000-08:00

I just submitted my paper...3 minutes before midnight in Utah. :D But it was in and it was in on the 30th. This was cutting it a little close, even for me and I work well under pressure. I spent a lot of time on preparing it and even when I had all my information together and had an outline and was trying to write it, I had to fight for every word. I didn't get any kind of a break. :) Usually when I write a paper, once I have all the pieces, it just kind of falls together and makes sense. Well, not this bugger...anyway it's done! I have officially completed all the coursework that I need in order to get a diploma. YAY!

To Clarify...

2009-01-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

Allow me clarify that when I said that I can't be pushed and that I was feeling "rebellious," this was not a conscious decision. It is a pattern that was occuring in my life sub-consciously and I just simply recognized it. I am trying to stop. The fact that this sounded a bit childish and immature as they thought that I was "willfully deciding not to act" just because I wanted to be stubborn was pointed out to me this morning by my parents (who have not, in fact, read my blog for months). Yesterday just HAD to be the day they decided to look at it... thanks, Fate. :)

So I print this clarification of intent because I did not mean to offend anyone, even though I obviously did. I'm sorry.

Me

2009-01-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

What is it about us as humans, or at least me, as a human, that makes me so darn stubborn? Instead of working on a paper that I've known for 6 weeks is due tomorrow, I have done at least 7 other things today:

I read Born in Shame by Nora Roberts...all 400 pages of it.
I cleaned, I mean deep-cleaned, my home.
I played with the love-of-my-life (of course I meant my dog).
I sat in my hammock.
I went to my parents' house to access the internet for my paper...BIG mistake. Here I've sat for 2.75 unproductive hours...unless reading blogs/emails counts as productive.
I've been thinking about the paper--really I have. I'm almost ready to start it. ;D
I have wondered what makes me find and read blogs written by people that I don't know...I feel like a stalker, yet incoming reports show absolutely no sign of changing this behavior. :)

I keep thinking I should start on afore mentioned paper, then something inside me rebels and I wonder if I'd done it sooner if I didn't have people constantly reminding me that it's due... I mean, I know it's for my own good and I appreciate that they care. I've come to the conclusion that I am a person that can't be pushed--God help anyone who tries.

So, I probably won't sleep tonight, meaning I will be groggy tomorrow as I tutor my tutoree in chemistry...and I hope that crankiness caused by lack of sleep doesn't register on the drug test I have to take tomorrow for my new job.

Acclimation

2009-01-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

I think that I did a pretty darn good job of acclimating to the drastic weather changes I encountered in Utah when I first moved out there...and I DID NOT acclimate as well after my mission. I just felt not-quite-up-to-par most days...

I am proud to report that since moving back to a milder climate, I feel much better most of the time and it felt so good today to take a deep breath of humid air, feel great, and run around with my dog....in a t-shirt. :) Yay.

Inauguration 2009

2009-01-20T09:37:00.001-08:00

President Obama is a great speaker. He made lots of promises not only to the american people, but also to the world this morning. I HOPE more than believe him to be sincere in most of these. I do, however, still hold hope that he lives up to the standards of his self-proclaimed christianity and utilizes the power he holds over the hearts of the american people to do good and lead our country to a good place. We shall see. Should he be capable of tearing down the boundaries between Republicans and Democrats, blacks and whites, poor and rich, or educated and uneducated, as he has professed to attempt, I will be proud to call him my President. God Bless America.

*At least he seems to have learned how to put his hand over his heart.

Well

2009-01-11T20:40:00.000-08:00

For anyone who grows up in an area where most people say "Mormon...what's that?" I would like to simply say that I have returned from the Land of Abundant Mormons to the Land where Single Men Don't Exist...and I have survived my first tri-stake YSA activity (about 40 people came...three stakes...really...). And I may have actually almost enjoyed myself...and I met some interesting people. How about that? Eat your heart out, Provo.

Simple Pleasures

2009-01-05T18:52:00.000-08:00

Thunderstorms

I have missed these little monsters tremendously and even though my new abode has a less-than-solid foundation, I slept like a baby through the thunderstorms this weekend.

Grandma

The more time I spend with Grandma, the more I realized I've missed her. She told me last night that visiting with me and knowing I lived close by was the best thing she's felt since......she couldn't remember anything better. :)

Pinochle

Contrary to popular belief, pinochle is NOT an old person's game...I could beat my parents at it when I was 8 (we start 'em young down here ;).

Solitude

I love living alone (except for my exceptionally cute dog). I love stepping out of my house to total and complete, almost eery, darkness every night. I love that I have 50 acres that I can wander any time I need to think--and it has a pond with a pier if I need to fish or just sit and think. I love that ANYTHING requires at least a 15 minute drive...I love to drive!

Deli Sandwiches

I can't think of anything better* for lunch than a good deli-sliced sun-dried tomato turkey sandwich with real mayo, French's mustard, dill pickle slices and Colby-Jack cheese on a 7 grain whole grain honey bread eaten with Tostitos Lime Chips. *sigh*

*except for a toasted bacon and tomato sandwich with mayo during tomato season... :)

Pixie

My new little chihuahua/yorkie cross is the sweetest thing and helps ease a little of the ache of being 25 and single. I love her to death already and am so grateful she sleeps with me. Whenever she sees me, she makes is clear to everyone that I am her whole world and being that to anyone is worth every second of dedication required and every penny she costs me.

In her defense, she was asleep when I just woke her to take this pic...I'll post better ones later when I have some. :D

Well, hmmpfh.

2009-01-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

Well, hmmpfh. That's all I gotta say. hmmpfh.

...hmmmm....

2009-01-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

I am an Auburn fan. And as anyone from west of the Mississippi knows, that means that I would rather cut off my right arm than root for Alabama. Well, here I sit in a moral dilemma--Alabama is playing Utah. You might ask yourself, well, which is the least of the two evils...

With 5 minutes left in the 2nd quarter, I'm rooting for Alabama. I've discovered that the only team I like less than Alabama is Utah. So for all you Utahns out there who keep sending me text messages gloating over your brief lead: you ain't seen nothing yet. No team from the Mountain West Conference could possible know how to play football like teams from the SEC do. So watch out, we're coming for ya.

Serenity

2008-12-28T18:17:00.000-08:00

As I walked out of my grandma's house last night and headed for home, I took a deep breath of fresh air and stared out the stars. It was pitch-black and there wasn't a soul in sight. I walked home and began to realize that I'm gonna be okay. I've had my doubts, but I think I'm gonna be happy here. :)

I like my new place, my ward is great and my family is wonderful. *Sigh* Life is good.

*This is what I see every night when I walk out of my door. :D

2400 miles later...

2008-12-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

We've been traveling for 3 days and covered over 2400 miles. We still have about 350 to go before arriving at home. We detoured Memphis today to avoid an ice storm and spent lots of time wandering around remote Mississippi. Details to come :D Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

2008-12-15T20:53:00.000-08:00

I don't exactly know right now how I feel. It's a mixture of anxiety, excitement, trepidation, love, longing, and a little apprehension. I know things will turn out for the best and I have faith that God is guiding me where He wants me and I am so excited to discover what He has in store for me...but it doesn't come free. :S

Home?

2008-12-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

It seems absolutely surreal to me that I have attended my last class as a BYU Undergraduate student...my dad will be here in less than a week and shortly thereafter, we'll be headed to Alabama. Crazy, huh?

I've lived here for so long--I have so many people here that I love...it's a little scary to be moving away and leaving it all behind. I do, however, hope to be able to visit again soon.

p.s. And, yes, life really is as simple as it is portrayed the movie. ;)

A Celebration of Christmas

2008-12-06T22:50:00.000-08:00

I could tell you how wonderful tonight was. I could share my beliefs that friends can be angels in the hands of God. I could tell you how good music just lifts the soul. I could share how attending BYU's "Celebration of Christmas" that showcased the combined choirs, the philharmonic orchestra, and Jennifer Welch-Babidge made my semester brighter. But my point is really that great friends and excellent music can lift the soul to new planes of existence and act as an elixir for all maladies.

As I searched for an image of the "Celebration of Christmas," I came across this amazing video entitled "Joy to Everyone." It's a song and video created just to bring joy into the lives of every person on earth. It's free for download at joytoeveryone.com. Enjoy. And spread the Joy of Christ this season.

Happy Holidays, everybody.

We're Adults.....

2008-12-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

"We're adults...when did that happen and how do we make it stop?" ~Grey's Anatomy

What does being an adult really mean? I mean, I've technically been an adult since I was 18...but have I?

I've experienced lots of things for only having lived 25 years: I've done my share of traveling--I've been to Canada, France, Germany and I've lived in Mexico and the Philippines. I've learned lots of life lessons from the people I've met in these places. I've spent 18 months living the Law of Consecration--something I didn't think I'd ever get to experience. I've seen what poverty can do to people and how having nothing generally increases one's capacity to love and have faith in God. I've studied at one of the best universities in the nation for many years now. I've studied the humanities, both in English and Spanish. I've studied the physical sciences along with lots of general studies classes. And you know what I've learned? The more I learn, the less I know.

I've lived away from home, essentially, for 6 years. I've learned to live with countless roommates--some I've loved and some that taught me patience and charity. I've had my heart broken several times and I learned that it never fully heals, but each crack left on the heart has special memories etched into it and I wouldn't erase those for anything.

I've learned that sometimes you're born into a family, sometimes you're adopted into one, and sometimes you create one, but you can love each equally. I've learned that life moves on--it flies forward at a steady pace and you can embrace the changes that come and allow yourself to experience new things and grow (no matter how painful that may be) or you can hold on to the past and stunt your opportunities for development.

I've learned that no one can put you down without your permission. This was a hard lesson for me to learn and I still struggle with it. But when I forget or get down, I have a loving Heavely Father who reminds me. You can fly and you can make a difference. All it takes is initiative and vision. Just do it.

I've learned that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is worth any sacrifice. This is the truth and it will roll forward unto all the end of the earth. If ever there was a cause worth supporting, even unto death, it's this one. And our message is simple: You are a child of God. He loves you. He has provided a way for you to return to live with Him. And it's simple: learn His commandments and obey them.

I know there is so much to learn, and I look forward to that adventure. But as I begin to close another chapter in my book of life, I stand here grateful for what I've learned and anxious about what's to come and excited that I get to have new experiences.

25

2008-12-02T13:15:00.000-08:00

25:

a natural number following 24 and preceding 26
the 2oth anniversary of my kindergarten year
Manganese
silver anniversary
min. age of candidate for the House of Representatives
the size of a full roster on a major league baseball team
1/4 of a U.S. dollar
quarter of a century

1925:

Mussolini takes over Italy
the New Yorker magazine is first published
F. Scott Fitzgerald published The Great Gatesby
U.S. turmoils over Darwin's theory of evolution
Hitler published Mein Kampf
double decker busses are introduced in London
Angela Lansbury and Dick Van Dyke are born
"The Phantom of the Opera" opened at movie theaters
Earl Wise invented the potato chip

For me, 25 is

being 5 more than 20, and not feeling it
an age I thought that I'd never reach
time to graduate from BYU and close this chapter of my life
start a new chapter of life in Alabama

This year I turn a quarter of a century old and I have lived 1/3 of my expected lifespan. The learning and changes I anticipate this year will hold should be incredible.

Appropriate

2008-12-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

They say "it's always darkest just before dawn." Well, in my case with school and finals right now, this [see pic below] seems more appropriate. lol. However, time marches on and all too soon, I won't have to worry about anything except attending my good friends' wedding. *Sigh* I wish I could work out a way to have 36 hours each day in the 2 week period before finals. :D

On a happier note, the Christmas season makes me smile. And I welcome anything that can make me do that these days. :)

Yes, please. :)

2008-11-27T17:52:00.000-08:00

As I rounded the Point of the Mountain today entering Utah County, I was stunned by the beautiful scene before me. Just beyond the clouds, I could see the brilliant pink sunrise peaking around the mountains. Under the cloudcover of the storm, amid the snow on the mountains, my breath was just taken away. I'm grateful for God's grace and love...and this beautiful world He has gifted us with.

!Vivan las Mariposas!

2008-11-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

In many latin american countries, today is International Day Against Violence Towards Women. :) This day is help in memory of the Mirabal sisters who fought bravely against a vicious tyrant and in so doing have become models for women fighting against injustices of all kinds.

The 4 Mirabal sisters were born into a middle-class family in the Dominican Republic in the 1920s and 30s. Their education coincided with the rise of the cruel dictator, Rafael Trujillo. Minerva went on to study law although her rejection of Trujillos romantic advances kept her from being able to practice law.

All of the sisters eventually married and raised families. However, Minerva and her husband Manolo were highly involved in risky underground revolutionary activity in overthrowing Trujillo and before long Maria Teresa, Patria, their husbands and Patria's oldest son, Nelson were involved. Their activities led them to prison, torture chambers, and eventually death.

Dede survived. A sole sister left to tell the stories of her 3 sisters who helped undermind Trujillo's regime and in their martyrdom, became symbols of freedom and liberty. Their code names in the underground were Las Mariposas (The Butterflies) and they are still remembered and respected today.

Today, November 25, 2008 marks the 48th anniversary of the murder of the Maribal sisters. Here's to their memory. !Viva las Mariposas!

P.s. The book by Julia Alvarez is incredible and gives you the historical facts while leaving you with a sense that you were really able to get to know each sister individually.

Emerson

2008-11-24T18:32:00.000-08:00

This Sunday, we had Ward Conference and it was amazing. Our stake president is an incredible man and I know that I was fed plenty of things to chew on for a while. Our theme for the year is Moroni 10:8-18 and we learned a lot about spiritual gifts. Then he taught us a bit from Ralph Waldo Emerson's Self-Reliance. I looked up the discourse and several things stood out to me. I've included a few comments below, but would suggest that everyone invest the time to read this piece in full (it is readily available on Google).

"There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion;"

President Wilkey tied this particular quote to a story about envy. Then we discussed envy in relation to spiritual gifts and how it usually leads to ingratitude for the gifts we've been given. My friend was teaching a lesson to her Young Women about individual worth and she wrote the ingredients needed to make a cake on individual ziploc baggies. Then she filled each baggie with 1/2 c. flour. She handed out the bags and instructed the girls to make a cake. Get the picture? :)

"Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events."

In a world where we all rely on what others think of us, we place too much emphasis on their opinion. I would put forth: Trust your instincts. We are all sons and daughters of Heavenly Father and we have notions and inspired greatness within us all--we just need to tap into our resources.

"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world."

While we are warned not to rely solely upon our own knowledge, we are only instructed to rely on that of God and His anointed servants. We do not need to listen to the world--we can all become agents for good, once we've figured out what "good" is. Go forth in intelligence and might. Be a force for good in this world. We all have a responsibility and a calling to make the world a better place. Don't listen to anyone who says you can't...because God and I say you can.

Solamente Asiano

2008-11-24T09:55:00.000-08:00

Where else in the world could you find these? :D

I think I need one of these...the blue, definitely.

Hugh, Kris....does the burrito need this from Santa this year? ;)

Angie--wouldn't these be great for those rainy days in expensive shoes?

Hmmm....

Yum!

Wow--I should've thought of this years ago...

Hope you got a smile out of these...I know I did. :D

Until There's a Cure

2008-11-23T00:14:00.000-08:00

Over 22 million people have died from AIDS.

Over 42 million people are living with HIV/AIDS, and 74% of these infected people live in sub-Saharan Africa.

By the year 2010, five countries (Ethiopia, Nigeria, China, India, and Russia) with 40% of the world's population will add 50 to 74 million infected people to the worldwide pool of HIV disease.

There are 14,000 new infections every day.

HIV/AIDS is a "disease of young people" with half of the 5 million new infections each year occurring among people ages 15-24.

The UN estimates that, currently, there are 14 million AIDS orphans and that by 2010 there will be 25 million.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xstLRWHgD2Q

Until There's A Cure:

http://www.until.org/

What the....

2008-11-22T18:53:00.000-08:00

So, BYU just decided to hand Utah the game. Apparently they decided to exercise charity and let Utah have a chance to represent the conference this year...oh wait, no they didn't. They just choked. You wanna hear the choke, feel the pain we (everyone watching) experienced? Well here's your recap: 6 BYU turnovers, 4 of them in the 4th quarter and 3 of those resulting in a Utah touchdown. We entered the 4th quarter only down by 3 at 27-24, then after we handed them the 21 points (MERRY CHRISTMAS!), final score was 48-24. Way to drop the ball Cougs. And to top it all off, in the last 3 minutes of the game Unga and Reed joined Pitta on the injured list--there goes any hope we might've had of winning our bowl game. Crap.

I still love my Cougs, but there's no denying that they messed this game up. Royally.

GO COUGS!

2008-11-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

The most amazingly awesome Cougars face the undefeated (thus far) Utes on Saturday. This is the place to be.

Inspired by Lynn, my blog is also blue until after tomorrow's game. GO COUGS!

Spring cleaning

2008-11-18T22:30:00.000-08:00

My sister sent me this...and I found it interesting. I wonder ...............

So, someone-who-shall-not-be-named heard buzzing from their grill when they decided to clean it after the winter. They decided to let a flea bomb loose under it and just see what happened. when they returned a few minutes later, this is what they saw:

Well, you may wonder "just where did all those bees come from?" I'll answer that one for ya, too. ;)

...........if they'd known, would they have found some other way to kill the bees and not sacrificed the potential honey to the flea bomb? :D

Chocolate Therapy?

2008-11-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

It's NOT just an old wives' tale...medical studies show that SMALL amounts of dark chocolate* can be healthy. It's not healthy to just binge on chocolate claiming that it's good for you...but, the antioxidants found in dark chocolate have been proven to reduce blood pressure.

Ladies, the next time you feel guilty for indulging yourself--don't. It's all about staying healthy, right? ;)

*health benefits are only present in dark chocolate...white and milk chocolate remain, as always, only delicious. :)

Resiliency

2008-11-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

re⋅sil⋅ient. adj.
1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

So I wonder...can resiliency be taught? I mean, it's something we all need--how in the world can we be expected to endure to the end of this life if we aren't resilient. I met someone lately who made me wonder...are some of us just born with it and some of us without it? Or should this become a new subject taught in our middle schools...

Yellow Cake

2008-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, confession time:

I'm having a love affair.........

....with yellow cake.

I like it hot, cold, fresh, left-over and most definitely without any frosting.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Just plain old yellow cake from a box.

That's it. :)

Life's full of CONTRADICTIONS:

I don't drink a lot of soda, but I can't live without my Diet Coke.

My closest relative lives in Alabama, but I have people here I care for more than life itself.

I don't like watching tv, but I never miss Grey's Anatomy.

I don't really like reptiles, but I love Scheherazade.

When I'm busy, I want more time alone, but when I'm alone, I want someone to be with.

I like trusting people, but I don't appreciate being taken for granted.

And I trust God's timing, but there are days when accepting that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I know I'm quirky, I mean, I love Children's books, Scrubs and burning candles.........

.......and I often wonder if there is any other person on this planet who can appreciate these things as I do and love me in spite of my quirkiness.

Obama

2008-11-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

I do NOT think Obama is going to magically make things better.

I am NOT excited to learn what he means by 'change.'

He did NOT get my vote.

These facts aside, he won the election. He is now our President-elect, as voted by the voice of the people. And while he wasn't my candidate and I don't condone his campaigning methods or his lying to the people, he is our next President. And I will give him the respect deserved of anyone who holds that office. We will survive the next four years, then can reevaluate our situation. He may very well surprise us and act as "a President for all Americans." He might be great for the nation--only time will tell. I do, however, as of now, pledge to stop making fun of him and support him as I would any of my leaders. Now, if he ruins my country, I may not support him for long, but I am willing to see where this goes.

Best of luck to everyone dealing with this decision. May you all come to some sort of peace about this election and do whatever you deem necessary to bring that event to pass.